Is he ‘the one’? Probably not.

image

 

The old adage “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know” has never been more true than it is today. Whether you’re a waitress or an heiress, dreams of a more exciting life differ only in the specifics. Expanding your world can be made much easier and more fun when you know people who can act as a companion and a guide.

Your best option for meeting the people who can help make your life more lively may be through online dating. A first date could involve a nice dinner or night out on the town, or it could be the start of something longer-term. Either way, going on dates with a variety of people may greatly increase your chances of developing a wider, cooler life. Think about Ryan Reynolds—he’s sexy and popular, but his romances with even hotter stars Scarlett Johansson and Blake Lively arguably increased his visibility.

shutterstock_200851274At least something positive came out of Green Lantern.

This isn’t without its pitfalls and caveats, however. There are a lot of … well, jerks out there in the dating pool. I’m not referring here to criminals or poor guys pretending to be rich—our dating site works hard to weed them out. No, I’m talking about guys who just aren’t what they make themselves out to be. Here’s my list of people who will not be making your life better, more comfortable, or any fun at all. These are guys on whom aspiring young women should not waste their precious first-dating time:

Freddy the First-Date Fornicator. Look, you’re an adult. You can do anything you want, including bedding a guy on a first date. But it should always be your decision. Men who pressure you—especially those who pay for the privilege of such a date by reimbursing expenses and whatnot—are treating you like a hooker, not a date. A better future is rarely on the plate when he can’t even wait for a second date. It doesn’t matter if he’s a millionaire with his own private jet if his sole intention is to put another notch on his belt. Listen for these deal-breaking utterances:

“What am I paying for here?” (He’s paying for your outfit, your time getting ready, and your potential interest in further dates.)

“Sex is the only way to know if we’re really compatible.” (If he says this, you already know that you and he aren’t compatible.)

“Let’s go back to my place so we can discuss the fact that I’m a millionaire and I have a private jet.” (Even if he does, how will that improve your life if he considers getting you in bed already bought and paid for?)

“The jet also happens to be ‘my place.’ ”

Sammy the Somewhat Sketchy. Let’s say that, in addition to being young and attractive, you’re also aiming for a career in some hard-to-break-into field, whether it’s acting, singing, lobbying, stockbroking, any career in which “who you know” is a foot in the door. A date with someone who can not only genuinely open those doors for you can be extremely helpful (again, avoid that first-date sex). However, anybody can get a business card with “Producer” or “Agent” printed on it. If you do go on a date with such a guy, be sure to do a little research and ask him a slightly esoteric question or two to see if he’s full of promise or full of something else. If he’s the real deal, you’ll get immediate answers. If not, you’ll get a blank look and sputtering confabulations.

Movie producer: “What’s better, points in a back-end deal or up-front compensation for those above the line? And why?”

Record producer: “What’s the difference between Payola and today’s pay-for-play deals with industry power brokers?”

Agent/Talent Scout: “Up yours.” (This isn’t technically a question, but you should say this to anyone claiming to be an agent or a scout but seeking a date with you. Actual agents and talent scouts don’t go on dates with prospective clients. How you hold a fork or what wine you prefer has nothing to do with whether you’ll make them money with their 15% cut. That is what professionals care about—as it should be!)

ariel_by_julietessence-d56zan9I guess how you hold a fork might make a difference.

Nick the Name-Dropper: This one is both the easiest and the most difficult to resist being suckered by. That’s because, like David Duchovny on The X-Files, we want to believe. On a first date with Nick, you might hear industry superstar names oh-so-casually mentioned: “That reminds me of what Beyoncé told me one time …” Or “Tom Cruise stole my lighter.” Or “If you hook up with me, I’ll get you in front of Simon Cowell.” (This last one may seem laughably obvious, but what if you have always dreamed of getting on X Factor? Our brains can fight the adrenal system only so long.) But be strong and don’t let your aspirations beat out your common sense. To root out the truth about this (potential) door-opener, go to IMDb and check for any credits. (Also Google his name—if he’s worked with top actors, it’ll show up on there somewhere.) If he allegedly has the ear of Jay-Z, check for his name in music trade magazines, of which there are many. Some tips:

Don’t let him tell you he uses a different name for showbiz, so his background is under [Name X]. He’s lying.

Check his Google account (if he has one) and look for pictures of him with some famous people. Nobody with (alleged) connections can resist posting these pictures anywhere they can.

Remember: Even if he does know all of these people, that doesn’t mean that he’ll necessarily use those connections to do anything to help you. Don’t give him everything he wants … at least not until he comes through with that meeting with Spielberg.

shutterstock_57860005“Harvey Spielberg, at your service, toots!”

You can improve your life through dating different guys, getting to know them, and letting who they know become who you know. Then you can chase your dreams on your own merit, and maybe end up with a great romance too!

Advertisements

The ‘Millionaire’s Club’ can be richly diverse

You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends
On where you start.

—Everlast, “What It’s Like”

Possessing great wealth can paint over a lot of otherwise negative attributes in a man. Short? Kind of ugly? Fat? With male pattern baldness, for goodness’ sake? Fat stacks of genuine cash can make even the most beautiful women overlook even the most severe of turn-offs.

This is how billionaire Ron Perelman landed everyone’s favorite cougar, Ellen Barkin. This is how billionaire Prince Charles convinced the ultimate British hottie, Diana Spencer, to be his bride. Leaving aside George Clooney types and their gorgeous partners, look who’s next to even the least traditionally handsome multimillionaire—if she’s not a model or an actress, she certainly could be.

leia and jabbaLeia just kept telling herself: “He drives a Bentley. Not a Rolls. A Bentley.

Not all rich men are created equal

You may notice that the aforementioned wealthmongers each got rich traveling a different path. Perelman did it through business; the Prince of Wales was born to wealth; Clooney did it through his talent and his entertainment industry savvy. And these are only three of the many ways that a man (or a woman, of course, but in this article we’re talking about the boys) can become rich enough to get with even the most otherwise unattainably gorgeous partner.

Born this way

Many crazy-rich men made their money the old-fashioned way: they inherited it.

This could mean that he is the son of a wealthy family and never had to work a day in his life. Or it could mean that he is a trust-fund baby whose loaded grandparents set him up for life once he turned 21. Heck, it could mean that he was a poor young man who helped an escaped convict, who then left him a fortune.

What does this mean to the prospective date of such a rich man? It could be that you are just one of the trinkets he takes for granted, since he’s used to having the best of everything without having to lift a finger. No matter how hard you try, he may not feel inclined to put any effort at all into your relationship. Take it or leave it, he might say, since either way his charmed life will go on.

richie-rich-comic-top-10The little jerk.

This isn’t to say that all men who inherited vast sums would be bad dates or boyfriends. On the contrary, many men who have received a bequest then turn to philanthropy and personally doing good works for those less fortunate. A relationship with this kind of rich man could make for something mutually satisfying … as long as you don’t become another “project” for him and he doesn’t ignore you to focus on those good works.

Greed is good … for attracting chicks

Hard work and its rewards are cornerstones of the American identity. The richer you become through ingenuity, ruthlessness, and the ability to turn seed money into a whole crop of cash, the more attractive you become to those of the opposite sex. Women dig success, and it’s been that way since Ook and Ug each tried to impress by killing the bigger Sabre-Toothed Tiger back in the day.

sabre_toothed_tiger“You know what, Ook? You take this one. I’ll see if she’s into guys who can make fire.”

The drawback to dating this flavor of wealthy man is that he is probably already married—to his job. There may be little time for you, but what time there is will most likely be amazing. You’ll have to keep yourself looking good and being pleasing to this kind of man, because he’s always got his eyes open to opportunities to “trade up.” Cutthroat and cold? Maybe. But that is how success works in American business—and romance.

Let’s play Celebrity Jeopardy! (Emphasis on “jeopardy.”)

Oh, that George Clooney. And Brad Pitt. And Ryan Reynolds. These guys have the acting chops, which (with luck and a lot of intestinal fortitude) have made them as rich as Croesus, if that king of antiquity was getting 10% of his movies’ gross. And so they have, respectively, as their wives the incredibly hot human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin; the standard-bearer for sexy, Angelina Jolie; and the blazingly beautiful actress Blake Lively. (Note: Earlier, Ryan had been married to Scarlett Johansson, who can make a pot of water boil just by standing next to it.)

Of course, if these three were as poor as a blog writer, they would still have the magic of their almost supernatural good looks. But you know who else has meltingly attractive partners? People like rapper and mogul Jay-Z. Like the singer and sunken-eyed fashion designer Marc Anthony. Also, before Angelina was with Brad, she was married to … Oscar-winning writer and money-making writer Billy Bob Thornton.

Slingblade-1His “sling blade” must have been enormous.

All rich artists, but especially actors and singers, can be difficult to form a bond with. (Heck, poor artists can make for rotten partners too, but this is an article about the rich ones.) They are, almost by definition, self-absorbed and more interested in their work than in anything a woman may have to offer. But less-attractive wealthy artists have an additional cross to bear: whatever insecurities or feelings of inadequacy pushed them to become artists in the first place may be doubled when it comes to having an attractive partner. Dating these guys may be fun and remunerative, but be ready to ride a roller coaster with no seatbelt.

The most attractive people money can buy

The lesson to take from all this may be that you should see if you click with a rich man first and only then think about the money he has to spoil you with or to split with you one day. Remember: Although money can make life a lot easier, but you never want to sacrifice your self-respect, your chance for true love, or your freedom just to get some of that relationship coin.

In fact, maybe the best thing for you to do is date a wealthy benefactor until you make it big yourself in business or celebrity or whatever you bring to the table. Then you can date as financial equals … or even turn the tables and be the generous one in the relationship.

 

‘Cat’s in the Cradle,’ White Trash Edition

‘White Trash Cat’s in the Cradle

(listening to the regular “Cat’s in the Cradle” while reading this is recommended for maximum filky pleasure)

My child got borned just the other day
Born at a hospital thanks to Medicaid
But I was in stir doing 90 days
He learned to smoke while I was away
He was setting fires ’fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say, Why don’t I look like you, Dad
Thought I was s’posed to look like you

And the crap is on cable and the Spam’s on a spoon
Huffing some glue and shootin the moon
When you stumblin home, Dad?
Hell if I know when
I’ll get my shit together then, yeah
We’ll go and watch the dogfights then

My son turned snitch just the other day
He said, thanks for bail, Dad, now let’s am-scray
Can I hide in your car? I said not today
Goddamn neighbors had it towed away
As he went to the safe house, his chances looked slim
He said, I’ll have a record long as him, yeah
You know I’ll beat some ass like him

TV dinners on the table and we’re cooking a spoon
Chasin’ some Jews and the occasional coon
When we getting some more meth, Dad?
Hell if I know when
I’ll get my shit together then, yeah
Get drunk and trash motel rooms then

My son got out of prison just the other day
Such a tough sumbitch I just had to say
Son, I’m proud of you
Wanna drink for a while?
His shook like a tweaker with his toothless smile
What I’d like, Dad, is fucking your common-law squeeze
See you later
Can I get with your skeeze?

Playing craps at the table and ingesting balloons
Choking on our own vomit then turning blue
When we gonna win, Dad?
Hell if I know when
I’ll get my shit together then, yeah
Buy us a doublewide then

I’ve long since given up, my son’s on the run
I called him up just to offer my gun
I said, I’d like to see you, come on outside
He said, Fuck, Dad, I’m trying to hide
You see, no way I’m paying Tammy child support
Bitch wants to take me to court, Dad
You know I don’t do good in court

As I hung up the phone, the police said to me
My boy was just like me, yeah
Now the judge won’t accept my plea

Been fap-fap-fappin’ in dirty bar bathrooms
Running out of E so I’m doin some shrooms
When you cleaning up, Dad?
Hell if I know when
I’ll get my shit together then, yeah
But if I don’t, fuck all of them

Continue reading

Sexy Sex, The Facebook Way®!

sex-dolls-review

Dorothy realized she wasn’t in Kansas anymore. More like “Idaho.” #omgcomicgold

DO NOT READ THIS IS YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. OR GO AHEAD AND READ IT AND BE OFFENDED, YOU SICK BASTARDS.

Below is a frank (i.e., “nasty”) presentation of what happens when a man and a woman (or MM, FF, LGBTQAI) love fuck each other very, very much, etc.

Facebook also offers, as part of their “sexy Facebook” line of emojis:

😉 Flirting
😉 Kissing
🤗 Hugging
😮 Asked back to his/her place and/or car and/or alley
😚 Necking (See “Days, Happy.”)
😮 Presentation of boobs
😬 Presentation of “moobs”
😛 Cunnilingus
😜 Cunnilingus with squirting
🤐 Cunnilingus with queefing
😏 Discovery of the penis (in pants)
😨 Discovery of the penis (under skirt)
😮 Fellatio
🤢 Fellatio with farting
[There is no emoji for “male being kicked out of the room/car/alley,” but if there were, it would go here.]
🙃 69ing
👊 Fisting
😋 Beginning of intercourse
🤠 Cowgirl
(🤠 x -1) Reverse cowgirl
🐶 From behind
🐴 In Tijuana
🐑 In Scotland
🐙 In R’lyeh
💩 “”Diggin’ for night soil”
“Diggin’ for night soil” attempt DENIED
😆 Uh-oh, he’s getting close
😵 So is she
😫 OMG ALMOST THERE
😧 She’s like, “Don’t fuck this up! I NEED this!”
😰 OMG OMG OMG its—I—you—hurry—
💥 SHE GETS THERE!
🕜 .000000025 seconds later HE GETS THERE! 🎺
😴 He’s done.
📺 She wasn’t quite done, but whatever, it’s fine.

You’re welcome, friends!
Sean “Perv-O-Matic” Hoade

I am not a handsome man, Jennay

Salt Lake Fanx has asked me for a headshot they can use to put me on banners and such. So I had to give them a picture in which there was no interfering background. After about 7 hours of Photoshop 7 (2002, REPRESENT), I got an adequate-ish result!

sean-hoade-headshot-for-sl-fanx

Yes, the hat has lumps from my monkey-like graphic design skills.

It looks a bit choppy, I know, but watch as I magic your ass off:

headshot-silliness-1-copy

headshot-silliness-3-copy

headshot-silliness-2-copy

Ah, hell. The Salt Lake folks will make it perfect in post, anyway.

Back to the World’s Greatest Blog in the World!

A horrifying racist loved my novel! Oh, joy!

NOT A JOKE: THIS POST IS *FULL* OF TRIGGER WORDS. IF YOU HAVE BEEN VICTIMIZED BY RAPISTS, RACISTS, NEO-NAZIS, OR GENERAL INTERNET CRUELTY, PLEASE READ THIS CAUTIOUSLY IF YOU DECIDE TO READ IT AT ALL.

AGAIN, THIS POST IS *NOT* A JOKE.

Okay, so who likes stories involving irony, intellectual dilemmas, and mixed feelings? Check this out:

I got an email this morning which showed a very close and careful reading of my Hugo Navikov book, Space Explosions! Pew! Pew! Pew! The writer obviously liked the book and gave me a playful hard time about there not being any actual explosions in space in the novel. That was great, and I am pleased at my reader’s enthusiasm.

Um … however.

oh-no 
Jesus Christ. Okay, go on.

The sender’s domain name was “nigge.rs.”

Again, that would be NIGGE.RS.

Um … maybe it’s a rap star’s custom domain! Yeah, that must be what it is. Except that would be “nigg.az,” the computer-savvy rapper being straight outta Azerbaijan.

Well, maybe the fellow’s nickname is “Little Nigge,” like, because his given name is “Nigel” or something. Yeah, that’s probably what it is—”Nigel” is a common British name, so the “.rs” suffix is probably for “Ringo Starr” or “Rumpled Scones” or something else very, very English.

So, God help me, I checked.

From Wikipedia:

rs is the Internet country code top-level domain (ccTLD) for Serbia. The domain name registry that operates it is the Serbian National Internet Domain Registry (RNIDS). The letters rs stand for Republika Srbija / Република Србија (Republic of Serbia).

Now, I don’t think of Serbia as an especially racist nation (y’know, except for that whole ethnic cleansing and genocide of the 1990s, but that was intramural between white people). Also, Serbia is a slavic country and Russia is most supportive of slavic countries. Russia is also infamous for being a wretched hive of bad-hacker scum and villiany. So, even though this email writer liked and appreciated my book, there were several attachments that I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole (or Pole, since we’re talking slavic countries).

A little digging produced a list of other domains under this top-level domain (which, classily, is “cock.li,” from Liechtenstein, of all places) other than the disturbing “nigge.rs.” Have a look and then maybe have a long, hot shower:

cockWell, that’s certainly classy.

cock.li
cumallover.me (Montenegro, in the Balkans, is right next to Slovakia, a slavic country)

dicksinhisan.us
loves.dicksinhisan.us
wants.dicksinhisan.us
dicksinmyan.us
loves.dicksinmyan.us
wants.dicksinmyan.us
goat.si (I don’t want to know why Slovenia, another slavic country, is home to this one)
horsefucker.org
national.shitposting.agency
nigge.rs
cock.lu (straight outta Luxembourg, for a change of pace)
cock.email
hitler.rocks
getbackinthe.kitchen
cocaine.ninja

Now, as a writer, American, and not-horrible human being, I respect free speech, and no one, at least not directly, is being harmed by a domain name called “loves.dicksinhisan.us.” A dirty joke—and, on occasion, perhaps, an ill-advised ethnic joke—aren’t doing anything to help the world, but they relieve tension among some people and hardly compare to the hate and vulgarity spewed so vehemently by the most privileged people in all of history.

But shit, man. “nigge.rs”? “hitler.rocks”? “getbackinthe.kitchen”? THESE are some of the people reading my books and liking them enough to contact me with evidence that they really did read and like them?

Sometimes I think I should’ve listened to my Dad and become a postal worker. I guarantee I’d be better at it than Mississippi postmaster William Faulkner, who routinely “lost the mail [and] spent the afternoons playing Mah Jong and sometimes going on a round of golf.” (Actually, come to think of it, I probably wouldn’t be better at it, even by Faulkner standards. I hate jobs and they hate me. I also don’t care for golf.)

cock2To their credit, Cock.li is very inclusive. They have not only video games (OMG WHAT COULD THOSE BE?) and “quality discussion,” but also “fags.” Definite LGBT win right there.

I despise racism and sexism. OBVIOUSLY no sane person thinks racial hate, misogyny, and sexual abuse is anything but stomach-turning. Right now I feel like I’m the New Balance shoe company right now, with white supremacists saying it’s the shoe of choice for them, and the company fiercely rejecting the Nazis’ “endorsement.” Of course, NB is a business and thus welcomes all customers interested in their company’s products, but even if they got 100 percent of the white supremacist market due to this and their profits skyrocketed, they would still be sickened and fight unrelentingly against those bigots and hateful organizations claiming their brand as “the official shoe of Neo-Nazis.” I wear New Balance shoes, and I am neither a neo-Nazi nor a white supremacist of any kind, I assure you.

Oh, 2016, you tricky devil! You have brought little but misery to everyone I know, and now I’m getting fan mail from people who love rape and lynching, to help me ring in the holiday season! Thanks, worst year ever!

I reject you, user at “nigge.rs.” Buy my books if you like, and I hope you enjoy them, certainly, but leave this author the fuck out of it.

 

Back to The World’s Greatest Blog in the World!

Lubbock’s sidewalk is literally paved with Buddy Holly tributes

Earlier this year, I finally got the chance to visit Lubbock, Texas, Buddy Holly’s birthplace as well as his home for most of his short, brilliant life. In the depot district, with various cool little pubs and other shops to enchant Texas Tech students, a main sidewalk is made of bricks with the titles of Buddy’s biggest songs. And there are lots of other heartfelt tributes in town, too, if you know where to look.

img_2662
Remember that art doesn’t have to be “good” if it’s done with love. That alone can make it beautiful.

This is a big deal because (some say) of the avarice of Buddy’s wife of 173 days when he died, Maria Elena Holly Diaz. Say what you will about the woman who has sued to get paid for anything with her first husband’s likeness on it, she has never flagged in keeping his memory alive. Also, Buddy loved her, so she can’t be all bad. But my point is that it’s hard to get a Buddy Holly anything going in Lubbock or anywhere else with Maria Elena always holding her pocketbook open.

In any case, a great exception is 62 bricks on Buddy Holly Avenue between 18th and 19th streets, each with a song title of Buddy’s solo hits or ones with J.I., Joe B., and Niki (sometimes known as “The Crickets” ). They are engraved bricks on a well-trod sidewalk, so the foot traffic and rain and gum have effaced some of them almost to unreadability, but others are as crisp as they must have been when they were set down. Continue reading