Sexy Sex, The Facebook Way®!

[Note: I originally wrote this as a post on Facebook, but amused myself so much that all you lucky ducks get to see the depths to which I will sink for a laugh.]

sex-dolls-reviewDorothy realized she wasn’t in Kansas anymore. It was more like “Idaho.”

DO NOT READ THIS IS YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED.

OR GO AHEAD AND READ IT AND BE OFFENDED, YOU SICK BASTARDS!

Below is a frank (i.e., “nasty”) presentation of what happens when a man and a woman (or MM, FF, LGBTQAI) love fuck each other very, very much.

Facebook also offers, as part of their “sexy Facebook” line of emojis:

😉 Flirting
😉 Kissing
🤗 Hugging
😮 Asked back to his/her place and/or car and/or alley
😚 Necking (See “Days, Happy.”)
😮 Presentation of boobs
😬 Presentation of “moobs”
😛 Cunnilingus
😜 Cunnilingus with squirting
🤐 Cunnilingus with queefing
😏 Discovery of the penis (in pants)
😨 Discovery of the penis (under skirt)
😮 Fellatio
🤢 Fellatio with farting
[There is no emoji for “male being kicked out of the room/car/alley,” but if there were, it would go here.]
🙃 69ing
👊 Fisting
😋 Beginning of intercourse
🤠 Cowgirl
(🤠 x -1) Reverse cowgirl
🐶 From behind
🐴 In Tijuana
🐑 In Scotland
🐙 In R’lyeh
💩 “”Diggin’ for night soil”
“Diggin’ for night soil” attempt DENIED
😆 Uh-oh, he’s getting close
😵 So is she
😫 OMG ALMOST THERE
😧 She’s like, “Don’t fuck this up! I NEED this!”
😰 OMG OMG OMG its—I—you—hurry—
💥 SHE GETS THERE!
🕜 .000000025 seconds later HE GETS THERE! 🎺
😴 He’s done.
📺 She wasn’t quite done, but whatever, it’s fine.

You’re welcome, friends!
Sean “Perv-O-Matic” Hoade

I am not a handsome man, Jennay

Salt Lake Fanx has asked me for a headshot they can use to put me on banners and such. So I had to give them a picture in which there was no interfering background. After about 7 hours of Photoshop 7 (2002, REPRESENT), I got an adequate-ish result!

sean-hoade-headshot-for-sl-fanx

Yes, the hat has lumps from my monkey-like graphic design skills.

It looks a bit choppy, I know, but watch as I magic your ass off:

headshot-silliness-1-copy

headshot-silliness-3-copy

headshot-silliness-2-copy

Ah, hell. The Salt Lake folks will make it perfect in post, anyway.

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CULTURE IN VEGAS! Preview Thursday! First Friday! 5:30 pm ’til THE MAN shuts us down!

Las Vegas is world-renowned for three things:

Notice than none of these are what one would call “cultural” in the sense of “artistically pleasing and not likely to end with herpes, homelessness, or harping from harridans.”

Yes, Caesar’s Palace has a mall with talking giant statues of Zeus or Apollo or somebody like that—it is notoriously hard to make out what the statues are actually saying, so maybe just concentrate on the fire and stuff.

antiquitieslvThey also have Antiquities LV, with some, y’know, sorta interesting items like, I dunno, maybe Abraham Goddamn Lincoln’s fucking autograph.

Antiquities LV makes you understand why some people become high-priced call girls or high-priced assassins or Nicholas Sparks: the money, OMG the precious throwaway money. The store also right now has for sale a personally signed note from Charles Darwin, a fucking signed handwritten poem by Edgar Allan Poe (at a very reasonable $38,995), and other artifacts of interest really only to weirdly obsessed people with no lives whatsoeverOMG LOOK WHAT I FOUND:

antiquitieslvbuddyholly-copyEven if I had the money, I shouldn’t get this. It would immediately become my Mirror of Erised.

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A horrifying racist loved my novel! Oh, joy!

NOT A JOKE: THIS POST IS *FULL* OF TRIGGER WORDS. IF YOU HAVE BEEN VICTIMIZED BY RAPISTS, RACISTS, NEO-NAZIS, OR GENERAL INTERNET CRUELTY, PLEASE READ THIS CAUTIOUSLY IF YOU DECIDE TO READ IT AT ALL.

AGAIN, THIS POST IS *NOT* A JOKE.

Okay, so who likes stories involving irony, intellectual dilemmas, and mixed feelings? Check this out:

I got an email this morning which showed a very close and careful reading of my Hugo Navikov book, Space Explosions! Pew! Pew! Pew! The writer obviously liked the book and gave me a playful hard time about there not being any actual explosions in space in the novel. That was great, and I am pleased at my reader’s enthusiasm.

Um … however.

oh-no Jesus Christ. Okay, go on.

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How to get Cthulhu Attacks 2 WAY before anyone else!

Read Part 1

Yes, friends, it is now the moment of truth. All 25 of you, after losing sleep last night, chewing your fingernails down to the nub, becoming irritable at family members and even more irritable about the existence of Twilight: the reward hath come.

I’m going to tell you how to be in the very special (not like that) and exclusive (like that) group that will read Cthulhu Attacks! Book 2: The Faith at least 6 months before anyone else. As I mentioned yesterday, it shall be released as a serial, a chapter at a time, to make me get the goddamn thing out of my head and onto the page.

“Yes, yes,” you say, understandably impatient. “Get to how do we read it already.” (See, I knew you were feeling irritable.)

First, allow me to tell you about the life of a full-time, barely known novelist.

exasperated1“OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

I go to a good number of Comic Cons during the year, 10 to 12 or so, and these provide most of my writerly income. I have a metric shit-ton of books, so selling these books is easier to make money at than would would, say, selling just two books.

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Cthulhu Attacks! Book 2: The Faith is coming soon … for some of you.

Read Part 2

Oh, dear readers and friends, the sour shame! The horripilating humiliation! I have set and then been forced to change the release date of the second book in the Cthulhu Attacks! trilogy, The Faith, again and again and again. There are a couple of reasons why its release has been pushed back like a cat when you try to kiss it.

One is that the first Cthulhu Attacks! book, The Fear, was so well received and sold so well that I have long had anxiety about falling victim to “the sophomore slump.” Think Alanis Morissette’s followup to Jagged Little Pill. Think the first sequel to The Matrix. (DO NOT think of the second sequel at all, ever.)

main-qimg-83e54ca3d84d8d049ee4e0937934c664Damn it, readers. That order was for your protection!

Think of the second season of Heroes. For God’s sake, think of Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s career after he won the Oscar. Seriously, Radio? Fucking Boat Trip? What I’m saying is that sophomore slump is a real thing, even a paralyzing thing, for creative people who have tasted even the barely-rent-paying success of Cthulhu Attacks! Book 1.

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Prehistoric Beasts eBook on sale for 99¢—today only!

My new book (written as “Hugo Navikov,” my publisher’s nom de pulp), Prehistoric Beasts and Where to Fight Them, is on sale for Kindle through the end of today, November 2!

“Just 99 cents?” you ask, incredulous but hopeful.

“Verily!” I answer, as if I were trying to win a bet not to use the word yes. “But hasten, yon knave, for this Kindle sale will last only until the sun sets.”

“In the west?”

“Um … yes, my rhetorical construct. In the west.”

“A question for you, real fast.”

“Proceed,” I say, ingesting tea infused with a packet of Schmeckel’s Patented Headache Powder. 

“How big of a bargain is Prehistoric Beasts and Where to Fight Them, anyway? I mean, it’s 97,000 words of pure pulp pleasure.”

“I somehow knew you were going to ask that incredibly not-stiff and totally spontaneous question. Indeed, for the nominal price of 99 cents—not to mention that it’s FREE to read with Kindle Unlimited—you get every tasty bite of the engrossing and filling literary meal of Prehistoric Beasts.”

I continued, “Break it down, yo: that’s 0.00001 cents per word. That’s one hundred-thousandth of a cent. A great deal for readers, and the word of mouth is going to be good indeed; hence the super sale price.”

“Wow! Ima get mine right now!

Ima? “Gah, please don’t say that.”

“Sorry,” you say. “I mean, Ima get mine very soon!

Sigh.

But get thee to Amazon for the eBook! You can also read the first 10% at KillGigadon.com before you buy, if you are equally huge parts skeptical and thrifty.

Also, the paperback is available signed and inscribed from me!

 

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