Sexy Sex, The Facebook Way®!

[Note: I originally wrote this as a post on Facebook, but amused myself so much that all you lucky ducks get to see the depths to which I will sink for a laugh.]

sex-dolls-reviewDorothy realized she wasn’t in Kansas anymore. It was more like “Idaho.”

DO NOT READ THIS IS YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED.

OR GO AHEAD AND READ IT AND BE OFFENDED, YOU SICK BASTARDS!

Below is a frank (i.e., “nasty”) presentation of what happens when a man and a woman (or MM, FF, LGBTQAI) love fuck each other very, very much.

Facebook also offers, as part of their “sexy Facebook” line of emojis:

😉 Flirting
😉 Kissing
🤗 Hugging
😮 Asked back to his/her place and/or car and/or alley
😚 Necking (See “Days, Happy.”)
😮 Presentation of boobs
😬 Presentation of “moobs”
😛 Cunnilingus
😜 Cunnilingus with squirting
🤐 Cunnilingus with queefing
😏 Discovery of the penis (in pants)
😨 Discovery of the penis (under skirt)
😮 Fellatio
🤢 Fellatio with farting
[There is no emoji for “male being kicked out of the room/car/alley,” but if there were, it would go here.]
🙃 69ing
👊 Fisting
😋 Beginning of intercourse
🤠 Cowgirl
(🤠 x -1) Reverse cowgirl
🐶 From behind
🐴 In Tijuana
🐑 In Scotland
🐙 In R’lyeh
💩 “”Diggin’ for night soil”
“Diggin’ for night soil” attempt DENIED
😆 Uh-oh, he’s getting close
😵 So is she
😫 OMG ALMOST THERE
😧 She’s like, “Don’t fuck this up! I NEED this!”
😰 OMG OMG OMG its—I—you—hurry—
💥 SHE GETS THERE!
🕜 .000000025 seconds later HE GETS THERE! 🎺
😴 He’s done.
📺 She wasn’t quite done, but whatever, it’s fine.

You’re welcome, friends!
Sean “Perv-O-Matic” Hoade

I am not a handsome man, Jennay

Salt Lake Fanx has asked me for a headshot they can use to put me on banners and such. So I had to give them a picture in which there was no interfering background. After about 7 hours of Photoshop 7 (2002, REPRESENT), I got an adequate-ish result!

sean-hoade-headshot-for-sl-fanx

Yes, the hat has lumps from my monkey-like graphic design skills.

It looks a bit choppy, I know, but watch as I magic your ass off:

headshot-silliness-1-copy

headshot-silliness-3-copy

headshot-silliness-2-copy

Ah, hell. The Salt Lake folks will make it perfect in post, anyway.

Back to the World’s Greatest Blog in the World!

CULTURE IN VEGAS! Preview Thursday! First Friday! 5:30 pm ’til THE MAN shuts us down!

Las Vegas is world-renowned for three things:

Notice than none of these are what one would call “cultural” in the sense of “artistically pleasing and not likely to end with herpes, homelessness, or harping from harridans.”

Yes, Caesar’s Palace has a mall with talking giant statues of Zeus or Apollo or somebody like that—it is notoriously hard to make out what the statues are actually saying, so maybe just concentrate on the fire and stuff.

antiquitieslvThey also have Antiquities LV, with some, y’know, sorta interesting items like, I dunno, maybe Abraham Goddamn Lincoln’s fucking autograph.

Antiquities LV makes you understand why some people become high-priced call girls or high-priced assassins or Nicholas Sparks: the money, OMG the precious throwaway money. The store also right now has for sale a personally signed note from Charles Darwin, a fucking signed handwritten poem by Edgar Allan Poe (at a very reasonable $38,995), and other artifacts of interest really only to weirdly obsessed people with no lives whatsoeverOMG LOOK WHAT I FOUND:

antiquitieslvbuddyholly-copyEven if I had the money, I shouldn’t get this. It would immediately become my Mirror of Erised.

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