Give the gift of AWESOME this year!

Deciding what Christmas gift to get for that loved one who “has everything” or “never likes what they get” or “is a complete pain in the ass and $15 is worth it to me to shut them up” can be a problem. Who has the time for all that hassle?

[Insert “informercial”-style clip of person trying to unwrap a gift and getting entangled in the ribbon and choking to death]

“Goddamn double-sided tape!”

But now there’s ZOMG ALL THE BOOKS by me! They make excellent gifts for anyone aged “zygote” to “died in 1947,” although 12 to “still alive” is technically the target demographic.

These books are all available for purchase at SeanHoade.com (signed and inscribed) and at Amazon.com (where they have the eBooks as well, but not signed or inscribed). Let us take a walk down Hoadebook Lane, shall we? (Click on the cover or text to read a big free sample and also order the book!)

For half a billion years, Cthulhu has lain trapped in R’lyeh, dead but dreaming. But now the stars are right, and the Old One is rising. Instant death for hundreds of millions, insanity for many more. And he hasn’t even gotten out of the water yet. World governments and a desperate and frightened populace scramble to understand, survive, and ultimately fight back against an enemy so powerful his presence could kill every human on Earth without him even noticing we are here. Buckle up for apocalyptic suspense as you witness what happens when CTHULHU ATTACKS!

All the facts. All the lore. All the terrible truth about ZOMBIES. Here you’ll discover how the zombie mythos arose. Everything you need to know about the most terrifying fictional and actual zombie viruses is within these pages. And causes? Probes from Venus, accidents in government labs, evolution run amok–it’s all here, and it’s all horrifying. “Professor Zombie,” Sean Hoade, taught the groundbreaking first for-credit college class on Zombies, and it’s all distilled in this one book! Enroll now. Your real education is about to begin.

One poker player. One million zombies. Not the best of odds. Eight years after the Zombocalypse, former poker pro Chris Newman is just trying to make it through the day with his wits and his skills on the felt. But now somebody powerful wants a game with Chris, and the stakes couldn’t be higher: If he wins, he gets to stay within the gates of Dos Vegas, the last zombie-free city in America, maybe in the world. But if he loses …

DOWNTON ABBEY MEETS LOVECRAFT MEETS NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD  It is a world few of us have ever known.  A world of masters and servants, where everyone knows one’s place.  A world of newfangled technology like telephones and motorcars.  A world of vampires, werewolves, zombies, and monsters of the deep. At the center of his necropolis estate lives the Earl of Monroe, who must hold the family he loves and the servants he trusts together against the eldritch onslaught of this rapidly changing world.

In 1831, when Charles Darwin joins Robert FitzRoy’s HMS Beagle for a five-year voyage, the budding naturalist is a 22-year-old unknown, while the Captain is at 26 one of the brightest stars of the Royal Navy, a descendant of Charles II. By 1865, Darwin is world famous, and FitzRoy is a bitter footnote of history, known now mostly for his role in aiding Darwin’s earth-shaking observations. This is the story of these two men as their faith, ideas, and reputations clash, meld, and fight for supremacy. Told through their decades-long friendship and rivalry, each step in their journey is interlaced with powerful visions Darwin dreams of the many ways life might evolve, as well as with his nightmares just before waking, in the antemeridian of early morning. With Darwin’s Dreams, author Sean Hoade explores the poetry of science; the nonlinear dance of imagination; and the cruelty that life can bring to even the noblest of men.

It was supposed to be so simple. Gordon Mitchell had the good life all planned out—a million and a half in embezzled cash, a plane waiting in Mexico to take him far away, and a sexy little thing named Janey to call his own. All he had to do was stop off on the way and kill his wife, Wanda. Simple. At least it was before an Ivy Leaguer-turned-highway robber named Spike Jones held him up, fell in love with Wanda, and shanghaied his RV. Now it’s not so simple. But the way Gordon sees it, the good life is still within his reach. And a little more blood on his hands sure isn’t going to stop him from getting it.

In his first collection of short stories, Sean Hoade takes readers places they might not want to go, but which they’ll love once they get there. Including: Hooker vs. Retard in hotel room tryst! Husband vs. Wife in S&M Battle Royale! Zombies vs. Gamblers in Post-Apocalyptic Las Vegas! Plus: Jesus, robots, hand harmonicas, porn stars in the Midwest, reality TV, and much more ill-advised literary adventure!

But wait, there’s more!

This t-shirt design was conceived by me and executed excellently by supreme artiste Putnam Finch, for sale on CafePress.com. Star Wars cuteness! All royalties go to my friend’s personal fight against cancer.

Life is good. Make it gooder with swag from SeanHoade.com!

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My new headshot

Obviously, the key to being an admired and best-selling author is having the correct headshot. Words, ideas—WHATEVAR. But Cons and publishers and such want pics, so I combed my beard and put on my brand-new Tesla Coil fez, and the dear Spousal Unit took my picture. Behold this jerk, ye flighty, and disperse!

My beard needs to be trimmed every 14 second or else this happens.

Compliments welcome! For any critical comments, please use the subject line “>>>ME BLING Y*U pLEN+y g00d mORTAGE <<<“. That should direct it to the proper folder.

Onward! More Kickstarter updates to come!

Watch this video for ALL the Tesla Trilogy Kickstarter rewards! One day left!

Hi! First of all, there is the new and FINAL Tesla Trilogy Kickstarter video, which details every reward at every level and has at the end the much-acclaimed book trailer. Really, take a look:

Of course, if you’re looking for the fanfreakingtastic book trailer by itself, here ye be, and enjoy:

I hope you enjoyed these videos either separately or together, for there is a cautionary tale about not watching them. A person missed out on rewards because he canceled before watching the video and didn’t know about the new rewards

If even one reader can protect him- or herself from the horrors the subject of this story went through, it will have been worth all the electrons in the world.

As you all may have noticed SLASH been unable to avoid, I’ve been conducting a Kickstarter campaign for the past 3 weeks to fund my MEGA Tesla Trilogy Project. Well, the whole time I’ve been adding rewards like I’m in Brewster’s Millions (younger people, please check your local Internets to get that joke), but Kickstarter doesn’t allow you to change rewards ON THE PAGE once a pledge has been made at that level.

This led to one poor fellow in the UK—a Liverpudlian, actually, compounding the tragedy if you think about it—who made a smart investment at the $25 level, which when I began this gave you only eBooks of the three Tesla novels. That means that’s what it says officially on the page and doesn’t take into account the fact that you now get ALL THREE PAPERBACKS *or* all the eBooks. Shipping to UK is quite dear, and so $10 is added for shipping there.

Every person on the boat is carrying a package in exchange for typhoid treatment.

HOWEVER, obviously there’s no shipping charge for eBooks, so if anyone from the UK gets that charge added and they want eBooks instead of the hard copies, I will ask that in the backer survey and REFUND the $10 shipping.

This gentleman from the land of the Beatles (and, not incidentally, the city from which one of my great-times-X-grandfather, William Hode—the middle “a” was added later by a consultant—sailed from for America) lost out on the opportunity for having his own copies of Kickstarter reward books by not asking me WTF? before canceling his pledge. We are all sadder but wiser now, except maybe for him, who is just sadder.

And that’s really saying something in Liverpool.

Anyway, there’s not much more than 24 hours left in the Tesla Trilogy Kickstarter, and a mere $1,300 stands between the universe having these wonderful books and me not being able to do them. I hope you’ll TAKE A STAND against the lame and the unimaginative by fnding this project. It really will be great! And below, in print form in case you’re video-illiterate (is that a thing?), is the definitive list of rewards at every level of support for this Kickstarter.

Onward and upward, to TeslaTrilogy.com!
Sean

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Pledge $10 or more

At this level, you get:

• The first novel in paperback, signed and inscribed:
  • Tesla and Darwin Fight Edison’s Megalodons
• AND you will also be thanked in the acknowledgements in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition!

Pledge $17 or more

• The first AND second novels in paperback, signed and inscribed:
  • Tesla and Darwin Fight Edison’s Megalodons 
  • Tesla and Edison Reluctantly Unite Against the Order of the Mystic Eye
• AND you will also be thanked in the acknowledgements in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition!

Pledge $25 or more

At this level, you get YOUR CHOICE:

• Signed and inscribed paperbacks of ALL THREE novels
  • Tesla and Darwin Fight Edison’s Megalodons 
  • Tesla and Edison Reluctantly Unite Against the Order of the Mystic Eye
  • Tesla and Nellie Bly Fight Against Mirror Telsa and His Arc-Light of Death
• OR
  • eBooks of ALL THREE novels
    •  SHIPPING CHARGES REFUNDED ON EBOOKS
• AND you will also be thanked in the acknowledgements in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition!

Pledge $50 or more

• Paperbacks of all three novels
• AND eBooks of EVERY NOVEL I HAVE WRITTEN, including the Tesla Trilogy!
  (See a list and read samples on my Web page)
• AND thanks in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition acknowledgements!

Pledge $75 or more

• Audiobooks of all three novels AND Cthulhu Attacks!
• Paperbacks of all three novels
• eBooks of EVERY NOVEL I HAVE WRITTEN, including the Tesla Trilogy!
• AND thanks in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition acknowledgements!

Pledge $100 or more

AT THIS LEVEL, YOU GET THE BIG BOOK!

• A NUMBERED AND SIGNED copy of the faux-leather-bound, gold-stamped omnibus hardcover edition of all three novels! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE EDITION OF THE TESLA TRILOGY!
  • Only 50 rewards (so that’s 50 omnibus books) will be available at this level!
• ONE HOUR of FREE fiction coaching (value: $100/hr.)
• Audiobooks of all three novels AND Cthulhu Attacks!
• Paperbacks of all three novels
  • eBooks of EVERY NOVEL I HAVE WRITTEN, including the Tesla Trilogy!
• AND thanks in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition acknowledgements!

Pledge $250 or more

• TWO NUMBERED AND SIGNED COPIES of the faux-leather-bound, gold-stamped omnibus edition of all three novels! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE EDITION OF THE TESLA TRILOGY. Keep one and gift the other!
  • Only 15 rewards (so that’s 30 omnibus books) will be available at this level!
• ONE HOUR of FREE fiction coaching (value: $100/hr.)
• Audiobooks of all three novels AND Cthulhu Attacks!
• Paperbacks of all three novels
• eBooks of EVERY NOVEL I HAVE WRITTEN, including the Tesla Trilogy!
• AND thanks in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition acknowledgements!

Pledge $500 or more

At this, the ULTRA-PREMIUM level, you get:

• The sadistic or just crazy order of your choice (see above).
• A VERY LIMITED EDITION velvet Tesla fez! (Your size will be requested when it’s reward time.)
• TWO NUMBERED AND SIGNED COPIES of the faux-leather-bound, gold-stamped omnibus edition of all three novels! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE EDITION OF THE TESLA TRILOGY. Keep one and gift the other!
  • Only 10 rewards (so that’s 20 omnibus books) will be available at this level!
• ONE HOUR of FREE fiction coaching (value: $100/hr.)
• Audiobooks of all three novels AND Cthulhu Attacks!
• Paperbacks of all three novels
• eBooks of EVERY NOVEL I HAVE WRITTEN, including the Tesla Trilogy!
• AND thanks in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition acknowledgements!
• ONE LAST THING: At this level I will use TWO names of your choice to be the names of members of The Order of the Mystic Eye, Tesla & Edison’s nemesis in Book 2!

Stop by TeslaTrilogy.com — YOUR PLEDGE WILL BRING YOU SO MUCH OF JOYS!

NEW REWARDS! Also, any sadists looking for fun out there?

All, right, dear peeps o’ mine, there’s 4½ days left of the Tesla Trilogy Kickstarter, a project which, when complete, will grace the world with three exciting and Steampunk-y (but not too Steampunk-y) novels featuring Nikola Tesla, who tries to not only bring us all wireless energy but also works to save the world in:

• Tesla and Darwin vs. Time Travel Edison’s Megalodons
• Tesla and Edison Reluctantly Unite to Fight the Order of the Mystic Eye
• Telsa and Nellie Bly vs. Mirror Tesla and His Arc-Light of Death

You know all this.

I post and blog about it roughly every 15 minutes. You probably also know the great bookish rewards for every level from $10 to $500 (but which are included at the bottom just in case).

$10 and $17 KS pledge rewards now available, plus even cooler rewards for $25!

Hey, awesome people! I’ve added a couple of lower pledge amounts and rewards, in case you know anyone who might like to take part but can’t make a bigger pledge. (The $25 level now offers a choice of all three paperbacks OR all three eBooks!)

Pledge $10 or more
At this level, you get:

• The first novel in paperback, signed and inscribed:
  • Tesla and Darwin Fight Edison’s Megalodons
• AND you will also be thanked in the acknowledgements in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition!

Pledge $17 or more

• The first AND second novels in paperback, signed and inscribed:
  • Tesla and Darwin Fight Edison’s Megalodons 
  • Tesla and Edison Reluctantly Unite Against the Order of the Mystic Eye
• AND you will also be thanked in the acknowledgements in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition!

Pledge $25 or more

At this level, you get YOUR CHOICE:

• Signed and inscribed paperbacks of ALL THREE novels
  • Tesla and Darwin Fight Edison’s Megalodons 
  • Tesla and Edison Reluctantly Unite Against the Order of the Mystic Eye
  • Tesla and Nellie Bly Fight Against Mirror Telsa and His Arc-Light of Death

OR

• e Books of ALL THREE novels
• AND you will also be thanked in the acknowledgements in the faux-leatherbound omnibus edition!

Only 5 days left! Get on board and ENJOY YOURSELF for a change!

The Tesla Trilogy Kickstarter