I don’t wish to alarm anyone. This letter, although gruesome in subject and harrowing in aspect, does not threaten a lack of well-being if it is not passed on or if you do not accede to its request for funding the most awesome tril[STOP THAT. Ahem. Excuse me. The hype machine has apparently lost the widget thing that keeps it from hyperbole. All apologies].
To continue, this letter does not ask you to fear the future. It simply asks you to look at the evidence of the PAST. Have any of these ever befallen you or one you love, care about deeply, or call in the wee hours as drunk as a pickled Irishman? Think carefully now, and remember … yes, remember … has the following ever happened to you or anyone you know?
- In school, a bigger kid bullied you, physically or psychologically.
- At work, a higher-ranking employee bullied you, whether in your cubicle or in his or her fancy goddamn office.
- While driving, you were stuck behind an idiot or tailgated while in front of a maniac.
- When encountering a problem, without thinking, you instinctively and inside your own mind blamed people not of your socioeconomic, racial, age, or religious group and then felt like an asshole until you forgot about it … only to do it again sometime later in your life?
- When watching television, have you ever realized that you left your snack or drink or cellphone or baby or whatever back on the kitchen counter?
- Have you ever suffered pain from an unknown, or possibly known, cause?
- Did you pay money to see Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace?
- Have you ever been attracted to someone of the same or opposite sex, or perhaps an intersex individual, or maybe one who identifies as bisexual or asexual, or perchance one who calls him/her/itself “queer” or doesn’t rely on labels at all and … um … I have no idea where I was going with this. Never mind.
- Have you ever tried to be overly inclusive and forgotten where you were going with an idea?
- Have you ever had a sexual dream with me, Sean Hoade, as a part of it? If so, could you text me when you get the chance?
- Have you ever had fond memories of a movie you saw when you were a kid, only to find it embarrassingly unwatchable when you tried to show it to someone else years later?
- Have you ever neglected to thank a teacher after being able to read a bumper sticker instructing you to do so?
- Do you know what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked? In the head? With an iron boot? Of course you don’t, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, that was a dumb question. Skip that.
- Have you ever not gotten a joke but still fake-laughed because everyone else laughed? Did it make you feel so alone? Or did you think maybe everyone else was fake-laughing too, and the joke-teller was insane but no one had the courage of their convictions to stand up to him or her? Would you fake-laugh now if you had the chance to live that moment over again? Or would you just say flatly, “I don’t get it,” bringing everybody down and eventually revealing yourself to be my goddamn humorless ex-wife?
- Have you ever built a ten-foot-high steam-powered man, only to see him ultimately walk out of your life forever over a nine-foot-high steam-powered woman that you both loved too much?
- Do you ever forget where you parked your car 17 minutes ago but can sing most of the lyrics to the 1983 hit “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler from memory?
- Have you ever come to the realization that no matter what you do at this point, it’s really too late for you to make a realistic run for the Presidency?
- Have you ever had a bad cold or the flu and, despite yourself, felt a little bit annoyed at people for not being more worried about you?
- Have you ever listened to the incredibly deep and profound 1977 song “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas and realized that even “the earth and sky” won’t in fact last forever because of the bloating of our sun into a Red Giant that will reduce our planet to a cinder in 5 billion years or so? Did this affect your enjoyment of the song to some degree?
- Have you ever gotten a parking ticket and thought, “Well, they’re being overly strict about this”?
- Have you ever walked into a plate-glass window or sliding door?
- Do you remember when Alex Trebek was the host of the daytime game show High Rollers, in which contestants rolled giant dice? Did this ever make you see his pose as a snotty know-it-all on Jeopardy! to be total bullshit? I mean, he had the answers on his index cards! What an asshole!
- Did you ever think of your strategy at the game Battleship as really brilliant until someone beat you, and then ascribed their victory as being due completely to luck?
- Have you ever shared a sexual fantasy with a long-term partner and, seeing they were incredibly appalled and/or feeling them inch away from you, played it off like a joke?
- Did it work?
- Have you ever been made to feel bad about your email address?
- Have you ever clapped at the wrong time at some boring-ass recital or some shit and thought, Oh my god will this never fucking end?
- Have you ever let someone get in front of you in a line and when they didn’t thank you, felt like rescinding your courtesy?
- Have you ever spent a fuck-ton of money on some piece of technology only to find its performance, at best, a marginal improvement over your old tech?
- Have you ever felt bad in any way, ever?
If your answer to any one of these questions was even a “maybe,” let alone a “yes,” then I have some interesting news for you:
ALL OF THESE HAPPENED AT TIME BEFORE MY KICKSTARTER PROJECT FOR “THE TESLA TRILOGY” EXISTED.
I don’t wish to alarm you, but every single shitty thing that has happened in your life up until two days ago may quite possibly been due to my Kickstarter not being yet available for you to shine your light on the world and become exempt from all suffering forever.
can’t won’t conflate causation with correlation, but the evidence seems pretty clear: All of the bad things in your life and the lives of anyone who has ever known you or even passed on the street occurred in conjunction with your not supporting my Telsa Trilogy Kickstarter. But ssssssh, it’s okay. It’s not your fault. In fact, until November 15 you couldn’t even donate because it didn’t exist. Life was cruel, I agree. But you can make it right now.
Because now it does exist, and I know that I’d personally want all this crap to probably, even definitely, stop even though it’s not being promised legally in any fashion. So why not donate to my Kickstarter? It’s feckin’ amazing and has amazeballs rewards. In fact, I shall include my appeal below. To donate—and really, what you get for the little you pledge is incredible—just visit this link right here, which will be repeated after the official words of request, which are neatly summarized in the video which comes before the words:
Hi, I’m Sean Hoade. You may know me from my fiction and nonfiction books about zombies, Zombie School Confidential and Reviva Las Vegas!, my thriller Ain’t That America, my literary-historical fantasy Darwin’s Dreams, my unhinged collection of stories Inappropriate Behavior, my acclaimed horror-Edwardian mashup Deadtown Abbey, or my Lovecraftian trilogy, Cthulhu Attacks!
Or perhaps not. In which case, Hello! I create the novels you never even knew you were waiting for, and that is definitely the case with my upcoming series (each individual volume being released in 2016), The Tesla Trilogy.
Each book will be published as a paperback (and eBook), but this Kickstarter will bring into a hungry world both a three-volume audiobook and this beautiful hardcover, faux-leatherbound, gold-stamped omnibus edition: