(This mega-entertaining, ultra-informative, and relentlessly useful blog entry is dedicated to one Bunny Reynolds, who got me off my butt at last.)
I hereby plead guilty, in the First Short Circuit Court of Bloggage, to the charge of Blog Abandonment On Account Of I Got Busy With Other Stuff.
The sentence is “Sheepishly and Apologetically Get Your Lazy Ass Posting Again.” Plus 1 hour and 30 minutes of watching Paul Blart 2, which manages to make my adoptive home town of Vegas look really stupid instead of just really tacky. (I got off easy — I could have been sentenced to watch Last Vegas, starring the dessicated corpses of Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, goddamn Robert DeNiro, and Kevin Kline. In their memory, I pour out a bottle of Easy Paycheck, their favorite vintage.)
In any case, I have returned to enchant, annoy, and generally bemuse both of my regular readers. It doesn’t really matter why I’ve been gone, but let me just lay it out for you because … um … I’m a whiner: I was hired by my most excellent publisher, Severed Press, to ghostwrite a novel for some money. (Yay, some money!) This was a great opportunity to (a) get some money; and (2) keep myself warmed up for the rest of the novels I am contracted for and I want to have finished in time for some 2016 Conventions:
- End of November: Top Secret Ghost Novel of 60,000 words
- First week in January: Book 1 of The Tesla Trilogy: Tesla & Darwin Fight Edison’s Ravenous Megalodons through the Judicious Use of Time Travel and Giant Robots
- Second week in March: Cthulhu Attacks! Book 2: The Faith
- First week in June: Book 2 of The Tesla Trilogy: Tesla & Edison Reluctantly Unite to Fight The Order of the Mystic Eye Relying on Only the Finest Scientific Principles
- Just in time for Wizard World Sacramento!
- First week in August: the final volume of Cthulhu Attacks! It’s Book 3: The Fight
- Just in time for Wizard World Orlando!
- Last week in September (possibly earlier, depending on Con dates): the final volume in The Tesla Trilogy: Tesla & Nellie Bly Fight Against the Evil Mirror Tesla by Bending the Very Laws of Nature
- Just in time for Salt Lake Comic Con 2016!
- Also being released at this time (if my Kickstarter is funded in the next 19 days or so) will be the faux-leatherbound, gold-stamped, hardback omnibus edition of the entire Telsa Trilogy! Completely exclusive, only 100 being released!
- The rest of 2016: Taking part in a new line of cologne!
But, like most soap opera characters, only temporarily dead.
Anyway, so you might be wondering, “Hoade, how in the ballistic bollocks are you going to do all of this?” I’m glad I asked! Because here’s how: Kickstarter.
Yes, my Kickstarter campaign is seeking your hard-earned coin so that I may give you wonderful rewards and make you, essentially, a champion of literature for all time. And that is me under-selling it.
The campaign itself is for the production and distribution of the three Tesla novels in paperback and their accompanying audiobooks and eBooks. But the crème de la crème (French for “Amazing holy shit wow cool”) is the creation of the aforementioned omnibus (English for “all the buses”) hardcover edition with (faux) leather binding, gold stamped cover type, wonderful white pages, and of course all three novels packed into this one beautiful and extremely-expensive-to-produce book. Here’s an artist’s conception:
How does one get one of these beauties, not to mention all of the other goodies? Well, first let’s take a look at the cost breakdown:
- $2,000 Printing hardcovers with faux leather and gold stamp
- $1,000 Audiobook production (I can’t do profit-sharing with the voice artist because technically, these won’t bring in royalties, so the talent must be paid up-front)
- $600 Custom Tesla fezzes
- $400 Formatting, typesetting, and layout
- $300 Shipping (for all rewards at all levels)
- $250 Printing paperbacks
- $250 Kickstarter fees (5% of total pledged)
- $200 Kickstarter “payment processing fees” (3-5% of total pledged)
- $5,000 Total
How, you may very well ask, does financing this Kickstarter (repeat to yourself: “Something I must do immediately, damn the consequences”) help get the books written? It’s all going to book production! And quite nobly so, you might add!
Well, you may notice that this whole Tesla Trilogy Hardcover train pulls into the station around the last week in September. This means the expenses will be spread out over the next 10 months. And that means that I will be able to use my royalties and book sales at Cons and such to help pay for all this, using the Kickstarter as my “seed money” to get these books done and sent out to my wonderful supporters, who have I mentioned are wonderful?
So please take a look at and support my Tesla Trilogy Kickstarter (“Something I must do immediately, damn the consequences“), won’t you? There are a LOT more rewards listed on the campaign page. This will be a very fun adventure, and you lovely readers of my blog will get to see how everything is done and exactly how the money is used, because I’ll be blogging about it pretty much ad nauseam (Latin for “Thanks so much!”) from now until September. Well, this and fart jokes.
Image courtesy of Pancho’s Taco Emporium.
We’ll do this together! And I mean that literally—all my Kickstarter backers will have their names immortalized by emblazement upon a special Thank You! page in what The Times (London, KY) will surely call “The greatest achievement of all time, if not greater!” (They really need a good headline editor, but still.)