I blog to you today asking for your help in my writing endeavors.
You may be wondering to yourself, “Myself, why is this Hoade fellow asking people for money to support his creative life?” It’s a good question, and one with a compound answer. Let’s take a look:
- This Hoade fellow suffers, like many creative folk and also a large percentage of the homeless population, from generalized anxiety disorder, specific anxieties out the ass, OCD, ADD, depression, mood swings, some weird kind of proto-Tourette’s, basically anything that makes someone who is otherwise an awesome person completely unemployable.
- He tries, though. He tries. And gets fired every time.
- Nevertheless, he enjoys indoor living and is an enthusiastic consumer of food.
He wants to get in shape, but can’t even afford cigarettes.
- His writing and books are great and you want them in your life. Don’t forget also that your help will bring these books to fruition so others may enjoy them as well! I’m not guaranteeing a Nobel Prize, but I’m not not guaranteeing it, neither.
So those are the main reasons, although there are more that aren’t amusing and thus will be relegated to Saddy Sad’s Blog of Sadness, available at holyjesuschristsodepressing(dot)fart.
But coming up with reasons are for boring stuff like legal documents and avoiding spousal silent treatments. Let’s talk about how YOU can be part of the greatest creative endeavor ever attempted by
man me. Please watch this short video and we will talk in a minute:
That’s it, that’s the plan. I am writing 12 novels, 6 of which are finished and ready to send out. I cannot keep a goddamn job because of the above and apparently many other factors, but I can write like the dickens (if not the Dickens) and produce good work.
His beard approached Hoade-like levels of fabulousness, but he ultimately lost points with the judges for his lack of muttonchops.
The best part of all of this Patreon support is that you can now—for just the $10, $25, or $50 a month you now throw away on food, shelter, and possibly insulin—support an artist AND get great books and maybe even cool posters.
Here is the official pledge plea, which is on my Patreon page, but which at that location is not interspersed with semi-amusing pictures:
I’m an author in need of your help.
Current backers already know the goodies coming their way, so this message is to invite new potential patrons to take part in this “grand fiction project” (Modern Beard, January 2015).
I have recently been relieved of my (latest) job and am in need of support so I can get these suckers done and selling like the hotcakes they so closely resemble. Your name can be used for a character in the books if you like, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to curry your favor.
Even providing actual curry.
So what will backers receive for their hard-earned dough?
Supporters at the $25 or higher level will get inscribed hard copies (as well as eBooks) of the novels that have recently been published (thanks to earlier patronage from my awesome supporters), one per month: Ain’t That America, Darwin’s Dreams, Deadtown Abbey, and Reviva Las Vegas! plus the short story collection Inappropriate Behavior. (Angels at the $10 will receive eBooks of all of these beauties.) And $50 supporters will get even more than the $25 supporters!
Up to and including dancing for your pleasure.
So, long story short, new backers will make 12 automatic monthly pledges and receive first the published books each month and then the rest as they are published. One book that is ready to come out is the serial novel Cal Longwood, Porn Star Detective, which will be published by the incredible Dynatox Press as chapbooks, each with a new chapter in the story.
Hot on the trail of a meatball sub.
The first installment, Eleven Inches From Heaven, sets up the series to come. No matter how many chapters it ends up being, it will be considered one novel and your getting every chapter will be covered by the single monthly pledge.
So here’s the latest on what you will get, as soon as they are published. (Note: If you already have any of these books, you will receive an exclusive poster and other goodies, including short stories not in my collection, as recompense.) Remember: Fully half of the finished novels are available for your FREE perusal at the links.
Month 1: Reviva Las Vegas!
Month 2: Deadtown Abbey
Month 3: Ain’t That America
Month 4: Darwin’s Dreams
Month 5: Inappropriate Behavior [story collection]
Month 6: The Act [a silver-age–style science fiction novel]
Which is sooooooo close to publication.
Month 7: (and any time a new chapter is published): Cal Longwood, Porn Star Detective
[These won’t necessarily be in this order, but in the order of publication.]
Month 8: The Cthulhu Attacks! trilogy—Book 1: The Fear
Month 9: The Cthulhu Attacks! trilogy—Book 2: The Faith
Month 10: The Cthulhu Attacks! trilogy—Book 3: The Fight
Month 11: Megalodons of the Galapagos [Darwin and Tesla vs. Sea Monsters]
Month 12: Grim Acres [Lovecraft meets Green Acres]
That’s 12 books in all over the next few years, 7 of them delivered in the first 7 months! You will be getting great, signed books (and/or awesome eBooks) delivered to you regularly!
I really hope you’ll consider pledging, and then, when you’re done considering it, actually pledging. You will definitely be thanked in the books and have bragging rights for the rest of your days.
“ … and then the prostitute, Betty Jones, discovered that her client was an actual retard.”
“Hey, that’s your name, Grandma! Wow!”