Sing along with “My Geekiest Things”!

“My Geekiest Things”
by
Sean Hoade

(sung to the tune of “My Favorite Things”)

Star Trek and Stars Wars and Babylon 5
Non-canonical works from which they derive
Gordons so Flashy and Merciless Mings
These are a few of my geekiest things

Rolling a 1 when it comes to charisma
The air in the basement that bothers my asthma
Playing an elf like in Lord of the Rings
These are a few of my geekiest things

High-waisted trousers and glasses most nerdy
Sweating whenever I see a girl who is purty
Holograms for girlfriends and Bitcoin for bling
These are a few of my geekist things

When the console breaks, when the blog pings
When I’m feeling lame
I simply remember my geekiest things
And I still feel the same

May 5th Comics Day and May the 4th be with you
Black Lantern and Batman in the same issue
Whoppers and french fries from Burger King
These are a few of my geekiest things

Fire and Ice by one George R. R. Martin
Flame wars on Facebook that I’m always startin’
Astronomy news that’s always interesting
These are a few of my geekiest things

Hating the prequels that came from George Lucas
Having to sneeze ’cause I made too much mucus
Con girls doing cosplay treating me like a king
These are a few of my geekiest things

When the Coke spills, when the trolls sting
When I’m feeling lame
I just remember my geekiest things
And then I still feeeeeeeel the saaaaaaaaaaame!

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I read the hilarious “MudMen” at CthulhuCon!

If you ever want a great audience for a reading, take your Lovecraftian story to CthulhuCon and give a rousing rendition of your work. It was a triumph last year, and it was a triumph this year.

Note of perhaps maybe interest: My buddy Greg took this video of me reading, and then I used like all this software to enhance the audio. I did a THING! So proud of myself. Too proud, I’m sure. Anyway, enjoy to me reading “MudMen” at CthulhuCon PDX last weekend:

Also, don’t forget you can support a writer who loves you for YOU. Watch this other video (if you like) and learn how to become like a Medici or a Carnegie, a patron of the arts:

With love,
Sean

12 books! 12 months! Build your library of awesome!

I blog to you today asking for your help in my writing endeavors.

You may be wondering to yourself, “Myself, why is this Hoade fellow asking people for money to support his creative life?” It’s a good question, and one with a compound answer. Let’s take a look:

  1. This Hoade fellow suffers, like many creative folk and also a large percentage of the homeless population, from generalized anxiety disorder, specific anxieties out the ass, OCD, ADD, depression, mood swings, some weird kind of proto-Tourette’s, basically anything that makes someone who is otherwise an awesome person completely unemployable.
  2. He tries, though. He tries. And gets fired every time.
  3. Nevertheless, he enjoys indoor living and is an enthusiastic consumer of food.

He wants to get in shape, but can’t even afford cigarettes.

  1. His writing and books are great and you want them in your life. Don’t forget also that your help will bring these books to fruition so others may enjoy them as well! I’m not guaranteeing a Nobel Prize, but I’m not not guaranteeing it, neither.

So those are the main reasons, although there are more that aren’t amusing and thus will be relegated to Saddy Sad’s Blog of Sadness, available at holyjesuschristsodepressing(dot)fart.

But coming up with reasons are for boring stuff like legal documents and avoiding spousal silent treatments. Let’s talk about how YOU can be part of the greatest creative endeavor ever attempted by man me. Please watch this short video and we will talk in a minute:

That’s it, that’s the plan. I am writing 12 novels, 6 of which are finished and ready to send out. I cannot keep a goddamn job because of the above and apparently many other factors, but I can write like the dickens (if not the Dickens) and produce good work.

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His beard approached Hoade-like levels of fabulousness, but he ultimately lost points with the judges for his lack of muttonchops.

The best part of all of this Patreon support is that you can now—for just the $10, $25, or $50 a month you now throw away on food, shelter, and possibly insulin—support an artist AND get great books and maybe even cool posters.

Here is the official pledge plea, which is on my Patreon page, but which at that location is not interspersed with semi-amusing pictures:

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I’m an author in need of your help.

Current backers already know the goodies coming their way, so this message is to invite new potential patrons to take part in this “grand fiction project” (Modern Beard, January 2015).

I have recently been relieved of my (latest) job and am in need of support so I can get these suckers done and selling like the hotcakes they so closely resemble. Your name can be used for a character in the books if you like, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to curry your favor.

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Even providing actual curry.

So what will backers receive for their hard-earned dough?

Supporters at the $25 or higher level will get inscribed hard copies (as well as eBooks) of the novels that have recently been published (thanks to earlier patronage from my awesome supporters), one per month: Ain’t That America, Darwin’s Dreams, Deadtown Abbey, and Reviva Las Vegas! plus the short story collection Inappropriate Behavior. (Angels at the $10 will receive eBooks of all of these beauties.) And $50 supporters will get even more than the $25 supporters!

Sean dancing at SLCCC

Up to and including dancing for your pleasure.

So, long story short, new backers will make 12 automatic monthly pledges and receive first the published books each month and then the rest as they are published. One book that is ready to come out is the serial novel Cal Longwood, Porn Star Detective, which will be published by the incredible Dynatox Press as chapbooks, each with a new chapter in the story.

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Hot on the trail of a meatball sub.

The first installment, Eleven Inches From Heaven, sets up the series to come. No matter how many chapters it ends up being, it will be considered one novel and your getting every chapter will be covered by the single monthly pledge.

So here’s the latest on what you will get, as soon as they are published. (Note: If you already have any of these books, you will receive an exclusive poster and other goodies, including short stories not in my collection, as recompense.) Remember: Fully half of the finished novels are available for your FREE perusal at the links.

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Also remember: hard copies can help get your family through the winter.

Month 1: Reviva Las Vegas!

Month 2: Deadtown Abbey

Month 3: Ain’t That America

Month 4: Darwin’s Dreams

Month 5: Inappropriate Behavior [story collection]

Month 6: The Act [a silver-age–style science fiction novel]



Which is sooooooo close to publication.

Month 7: (and any time a new chapter is published): Cal Longwood, Porn Star Detective

[These won’t necessarily be in this order, but in the order of publication.]

Month 8: The Cthulhu Attacks! trilogyBook 1: The Fear

Month 9: The Cthulhu Attacks! trilogyBook 2: The Faith

Month 10: The Cthulhu Attacks! trilogy—Book 3: The Fight

gzvscth♬ Everybody was kai-ju fighting … ♬

Month 11: Megalodons of the Galapagos [Darwin and Tesla vs. Sea Monsters]

Month 12: Grim Acres [Lovecraft meets Green Acres]

That’s 12 books in all over the next few years, 7 of them delivered in the first 7 months! You will be getting great, signed books (and/or awesome eBooks) delivered to you regularly!

I really hope you’ll consider pledging, and then, when you’re done considering it, actually pledging. You will definitely be thanked in the books and have bragging rights for the rest of your days.

storyteller

“ … and then the prostitute, Betty Jones, discovered that her client was an actual retard.”
“Hey, that’s your name, Grandma! Wow!”

Pledge here, maybe now, whaddya say?

I like to be silly, but these books really may never exist without your help. And you are going to love these books.

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http://patreon.com/SeanHoade

CthulhuCon bombardment coming soon!

You, in your dewy naïveté, might think that you know what was the greatest thing in EVAR.

You would be wrong.

That is, unless you believe it to be this past weekend’s CthulhuCon PDX. In that case, okay, lucky guess. But it was indeed the meeting of hundreds of different minds all focused on one thing: Cosmic horror and its delivery boy, one H.P. Lovecraft.

I sat on panels, one on Cthulhu v. Dracula (which was not a Celebrity Death Match but in fact a sober and reasoned fun as hell discussion about the difference between Bram Stoker’s Dracula (fun fact: anagram for “Bat rules, drama rocks!”) and our Mr. Lovecraft’s “The Call of Cthulhu”; and the other on “Creating a Mythos” (fun fact: anagram for “A Mythos Creating”), both of which were an absolute blast and for which video will be posted shortly.

Also, before Woden’s Day is upon us, I expect to also have video posted of my triumphant reading at the Con, my story “MudMen,” which is being published in Brian Sammons and Glynn Barass’s Summer of Lovecraft.

This post, then, is to remind you to keep your eyes peeled (ew) for a full report on all things CthulhuCon. This will occur when I have all the pics and videos AND I have recovered from a new-Guantanamo-prisoner–level sleep deficit.

Also, stay tuned for my new Patreon campaign! I know, you can’t wait, right? ME NEITHER!

Love and crafts,
Sean

CthulhuCon PDX bombardment coming soon!

You, in your dewy naïveté, might think that you know what was the greatest thing in EVAR.

You would be wrong.

That is, unless you believe it to be this past weekend’s CthulhuCon PDX. In that case, okay, lucky guess. But it was indeed the meeting of hundreds of different minds all focused on one thing: Cosmic horror and its delivery boy, one H.P. Lovecraft.

I sat on panels, one on Cthulhu v. Dracula (which was not a Celebrity Death Match but in fact a sober and reasoned fun as hell discussion about the difference between Bram Stoker’s Dracula (fun fact: anagram for “Bat rules, drama rocks!”) and our Mr. Lovecraft’s “The Call of Cthulhu”; and the other on “Creating a Mythos” (fun fact: anagram for “A Mythos Creating”), both of which were an absolute blast and for which video will be posted shortly.

Also, before Woden’s Day is upon us, I expect to also have video posted of my triumphant reading at the Con, my story “MudMen,” which is being published in Brian Sammons and Glynn Barass’s Summer of Lovecraft.

This post, then, is to remind you to keep your eyes peeled (ew) for a full report on all things CthulhuCon. This will occur when I have all the pics and videos AND I have recovered from a new-Guantanamo-prisoner–level sleep deficit.

Also, stay tuned for my new Patreon campaign! I know, you can’t wait, right? ME NEITHER!

Love and crafts,
Sean

It’s Official and Confirmed: I’ll be on Zombiepalooza Radio May 1st from 9–10 pm ET!

zombiepalooza

Tune in to www.livestream.com//ZombiepaloozaRadio (or www.livestream.com/zombiepaloozaradio) and listen LIVE. Also, the whole show will be on YouTube so you can listen later even if you couldn’t be by your computer, tablet, or phone during the broadcast!

And if you want to know what all the hubbub is about, we’ll be discussing zombies in general but specifically my new novel (autographed copies available at the link) Reviva Las Vegas! 

Tune in, turn undead, and drop by, won’t you?

Heading out for CthulhuCon 2015!

It’s the only festival that understands.

readyforcthulhucon2015Specifically, the only one that understands why you need to wear a Cthulhu glengarry and a King In Yellow t-shirt while hobnobbing with the most illustrious and eldritch minds writing and editing today. Heading out for the airport very soon! WAY excited.

Watch this space for glorious updates!