FACTS FROM A PATRIOT ABOUT REAL AMERICAN HISTORY

THE HISTORY YOU LEARNED IN SCHOOL WAS WRONG!

GET READY FOR YOUR MIND TO GET BLOWNED!

* Did you know that July 4th didn’t actually occur on July 4th in 1776? It was actually July 2nd but the numbers were fudged so that everybody could get in a four-day weekend.

* Did you know that the so-called “Revolutionary War” was not originally called that OR “The War For Independence”? It actually was known at the time as “Blue Harvest” so that the British wouldn’t know what was going on.

* Abraham Lincoln was NOT actually a general or, as Sandburg would have us believe, a Dominican Friar. He was, in fact, a POLITICIAN.

* When the Mayflower landed on Plymouth Rock in 1492, the “Indians,” at that point referred to as “Native Whereverthisisians,” gave them tobacco as a way of killing millions of palefaces over the next 700 years. 7/4 NEVER FORGET.

* The first person killed in the Blue Harvest war was Crispy Buttocks, the man who also invented Abner Doubleday and Slurpees.

* Dogs were against the law in the colonies because we didn’t want to lose our deposit with those asscrack British. Once we declared independence, though, fuck it, that money was GONE anyway, bring in the dogs.

* Alexander Hamilton, the 10th President of the United States (that is why he is on the $10 bill, just like Washington is on the $1 bill and that Addams Family-looking motherfucker is on the $20). That sentence had no predicate, a right which is enshrined in the Overdue Bill of Rights.

* When we get to 50 presidents, the whole thing starts over. This is because when the Constitution was first emaciated, computers didn’t have enough space for more presidents.

* To bring in desperately needed revenue, starting in 2016 the U.S. Capitol Building will be renamed the Tostito’s Capitol Fartatorium.

* James Monroe was actually Francis Bacon. Many consider this an end-around maneuver to discombobulate the Constitutional requirement that candidates be living American people not named after food.

* Iggy Pop was recently confirmed to be 7,400 years old. Many already suspected this.

* And finally, don’t believe everything you read in the history books. Many of them were written WELL AFTER the events they purport to describe.

VIVA LA U.S.A.!!!

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