Both of the people who follow my blog may have noticed that my IndieGoGo campaign kind of took the trajectory of your town’s new mall in 1977: Opened with great fanfare, closed later amidst pain and fear and also FYE moved out, so what was the point of even GOING anymore? But, while your “former white people mall” took perhaps 25 years to go from ribbon-cutting to having its homeless denizens rounded up for their own safety, my IndieGoGo lasted just two days.
Pictured: My soul.
I stopped the crowdfunding effort because I had … wait for it … AN ANXIETY ATTACK based around the thought that I was proving to be an opportunistic asshole to people good enough to be my friends. (It’s happened before, years ago. I was an unmedicated, and therefore bad, man then.) Several beautiful pals sent me a bit of cash to live on for a bit, and I am undyingly grateful to them. However, I am also grateful to all of you who kinda just endured my begging onslaught.
Prose B4 hoes, bitchez!
Anyway, I come here not to praise IndieGoGo, but to bury the point of a Shakespeare quote. I need money desperately, yes, but goddamnit, I’m going to go about it with dignity and a minimum of stunt tattoos and videos of me creamed-corn wrestling. I am a great writer (no, stop, I’m making me blush) and an even better writing coach, so if you have a project you’ve always been wanting to do or have a manuscript sitting on a shelf–or virtual shelf, you get me–contact me and let’s get to work! If you want to be a published writer, I will help you.
Okay, Photo Person, now you’re just being a jerk.
So what kinds of projects might one like coaching for? Oh, it runs the gamut and gums up the ranut! (Lewis Carroll, you got nuthin on me, son.) Let us go through them below, shall we?
One client is having me ghostwrite her memoirs, which is $2,000, half up front and half upon completion. (Note that this is in the present pluperfect BUT we await payment, so I could have written “One client is having me cook up a pot of goldfish legs” and be just as accurate. Still, hope springs eternal. And the rest of these fine folks are paid up.)
Another client has a finished draft that we are working to get into fighting shape. This means full coverage of both the draft and the subsequent rewrite, for $100 for a 4-week period, renewable indefinitely.
Yet another client had a screenplay draft that we overhauled for $200. The problems were mainly with the dialogue, action, and description. Other than that–in other words, the concept–it was sound. It reads goodly now and will be sent off to the Powers What Is in the industry.
“Don’t say ‘industry.'”
“Sorry, I forgot.”
But it’s not just completed drafts that I can coach you on to make your writing not only a success, but open you up to a whole new way of looking at the writing process, one that will help you all the rest of your scribbling days. For example:
One client had a concept but nothing actually written. For $100 for 4 weeks, I coached him from concept to character to plot to outline. Now he is working on a first draft of the actual book, which he himself told me would never have happened without my advice.
Another client thought she wanted to do one thing but did another, even better thing. Again for the $100, I started coaching her on her novel concept, but midstream she remembered she wanted to do a short story fable. We explored the conventions of fables and also how to upend them to make something entirely new. She has sent her finished fable off to a literary magazine.
Still another client has half a book. For $200, we’re working together to complete it.
And so on and so on. There have been a few misses (one client found out she wanted to have written, not actually write, which is totally kosher by me but doesn’t lend itself to coaching. Still, we had helpful discussions and she was happy), but so far, ALMOST every client has expressed satisfaction with the coaching and where they were at the end of it, which also is reflected in some clients re-upping to work with me some more on their projects.
Then, full disclosure, there was the nightmare client. She didn’t care for the (extraordinarily) gentle critique she contracted me to do, then–before we even got started on the actual coaching–stiffed me for the fee. She will never be a professional writer. (But that’s okay–not everyone has to be a professional or published writer!)
Or decent human being.
Anyway, you want me to coach you. I’m working on Books #2 and #3 of my awesomesauce 10-book contract, but no money will be coming from that for about nine months. Yay! (<– sarcasm) This means that I have the motivation and the love to get your book, screenplay, or short story finished, started, planned out, you name it. I also do polishes for dialogue and exposition, one to make it better and the other to make it gone.
Blog post to come:
CONFLICT! Why you need it in every line of your dramatic story.
Thanks for being you,