99.9999% of philanthropic money is wasted by not being donated to me. That’s just stone-cold fact right there.

You may wonder, “How can I make a difference in a needy person’s life?” The obvious choice is to help support a Lovecraftian author as he pens the most magnificent epic in the epic history of epics. Also, let’s look at the drawbacks of some other, lesser charity efforts:

HABITAT FOR HUMANITY. Yes, living inside is totally a win for people who talk back to the voices in their heads as I do, or who are just victims of the American socioeconomic system — AS I AM! But donating to me instead of (or in addition to) those bunch of layabout journeymen carpenters makes you feel so darned good, PLUS no splinters!


Nobody’s saying they don’t do good work.

THE HUMANE SOCIETY. Protecting animals is a priority for good people, I know that. But DID YOU KNOW that by supporting me in the IndieGoGo-ness of it all, you also will be helping to house THREE ADORABLE CATS and ONE HUNGRY AND COLD SPOUSE? It’s true!

UNICEF. How do you even know you want a CEF, let alone an all-powerful *UNI*CEF? Don’t take the chance — support me and my awesome novels.

THE SALVATION ARMY. With me, no bells and no high-pressure sales tactics outside your favorite discount stores. Also, you can oppose the increasing militarism of this “Army.”


Pictured, l. to r.: Good Coptic, bad Coptic.

PLANT A TREE IN ISRAEL. Okay, if you’re old enough to get this, then the nice men from the rest home will be around shortly to collect you. (And me, obviously.) But why PLANT A TREE when you can help a writer GROW ROOTS in CREATIVE SOIL and … um … okay, I think I lost the thread here. But the point is: YAY HOADE! HERE’S SOME FINANCIAL SUPPORT!

To sum up, any place that asks you for your donation and is not me is suspect. I will use your money to live indoors while writing what could be the greatest Baikaiju story of all time PLUS you get copies and other kick-arse rewards at no additional charge.

Won’t you help a brother out? I’ll help you when you’re writing that opera you’re always on about!


♫ O sole meeeeow … 

Here’s the link, my generous and brilliant friends! Also have you lost weight? Not that you needed to, but you look terrific!

Help keep a writer alive while he writes a Lovecraftian epic!

The Hoade


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