What do we talk about when we talk about Hoade?
Is it true that this ‘Sean Hoade’ is a writer? Like fiction, or stereo instructions, or what?
Excellent question, rhetorical device person! Monsieur Hoade, as he is called in restaurants he cannot afford, is in fact the writer of novels, short stories, and irritating limericks, as well as twee website Q&A constructs.
Señor Hoade, as he is called in Miami, started his writing career at age 10, with a three-page screenplay addressing the hot-button social issue of time travel. Like a butterfly within a chrysalis, he
has six legs develops within a cocoon of books and cats, and has so far written novels about a murderous RV salesman, about Charles Darwin on the Beagle, and about Lovecraftian monsters attacking an Edwardian household in England. (You know, the same old, same old.) He also writes about zombies, because ZOMBIES.
What’s the South Florida connection? Why does he open himself up to be hurt every year by formerly professional football team the Miami Dolphins?
Signor Hoade, as he is called by the College of Cardinals in Rome, was born in Miami in 1969. His mother’s OB/GYN was said to be Don Shula (who was trying to make ends meet during the off-season), although that might be apocryphal or just a lie by Hoade. He grew up (to the extent that he did) in Margate, Florida, well known as “not as bad as North Lauderdale” and the sister city of Margate, England. In the 1980s there was an exchange program between the two cities, in which American students got to go to the exciting British vacation stop on the sea, and in which English students got to come to “the Gateway to Coconut Creek.”
Was he, despite all the evidence to the contrary, educated in some manner?
Hoade-ji, as he is called by his army of Indian sycophants, was the prize of Coconut Creek Elementary, the tolerated of Margate Middle, and the scourge of both Coconut Creek High and, to CCHS’s relief, later Boyd Anderson High School in Lauderdale Lakes, where residents are referred to as “pre-inmates.” He majored in Philosophy and minored in Cognitive Science at Indiana University South Bend (nickname: “The Fightin’ Single Mothers and Retirees Going Back to School after 38 Years at the Cardboard Box Factory”). Not satisfied with the social status and high salary associated with a Philosophy degree, he then got his Masters of Fine Arts in Fiction at the University of Alabama. He then taught at UA for another 3½ years until his unceremonious firing for (no joke) offending the religious sensibilities of
a frickin’ idiot one of his alleged “Honors” students.
Is it true that writing and, to a lesser extent teaching writing, is the only work that suits him? In fact, the only thing he’s ever been able to do well and consistently at a professional or, indeed, human level?
Hoade-san, as the bouncers at Club Sake refer to him on their “No Longer Welcome” list, has actually worked at 103 jobs in the nearly 29 years he has technically been a part of the American workforce. Here’s a complete list:
Bagger at grocery store
KFC counter person
Dunkin Donuts server
Movie theater usher
U.S. Navy (38 days)
Bookseller at bookstore
Asst. manager of different bookstore
Dunkin Donuts again
Reporter for weekly newspaper
Layout person for different weekly newspaper
KFC yet again
Assistant at candy shop
Manager of resort snack bar
Waiter at family restaurant
Bookseller at yet another bookstore
Overnight department store stocker
Payroll accounting assistant
Insurance office worker
Car dealership title clerk
Newspaper reporter/ asst. editor
of weekly newspaper
Little Caesar’s assistant manager
Wendy’s assistant manager
Bookseller at still another bookstore
Data entry clerk
Jewelry store salesperson
Bookseller at a fifth bookstore
Convenience store clerk
Little Caesar’s again
Short order cook
Office store worker
Subway yet again
Bookseller at a sixth bookstore
Short order cook again
Burger King morning accountant
Steak ‘N’ Shake night manager
Asst. manager at different restaurant
RPS truck loader
College computer lab aide
Daily newspaper copy editor
Bookseller at sixth bookstore
College newspaper editor
Uniform company driver
Temporary paint store driver
Temporary layout designer at
real estate magazine
Apartment complex clerk
Supermarket IT assistant
Kinko’s clerk again
Hotel night auditor
Telephone survey person
Photo processing facility clerk
Bowling alley attendant
Layout person for realty company
Hospital PR flack
Law book publishing editor
Health food store clerk
Graduate school dissertation editor
Assistant to professor
Graduate teaching assistant
Full-time temporary university instructor
Taco Bell line worker
GED test rater
Professional poker player
AP test rater
Novel writing course instructor
Adjunct community college instructor
Kitchen worker for buffet restaurant
Adjunct instructor at different university
Apartment complex manager
Proofreader for university professor
Table games dealer at casino
Table games dealer at different casino
Online copy editor
Proofreader for casino company
Proofreader for advertising agency
Proofreader for menu company
Copywriter for photography studio Freelance proofreader / copy editor
SEO content writer
Online instructor for university
Wow. So is he, like, really proud of screwing up at all of these jobs? What kind of irresponsible asshole is this guy?
Mr. Hoade, as he is known in bankruptcy courts throughout our fair land, is not proud of having failed at so many jobs. But, as the novelist Thomas Williams told his fiction students (including Alice McDermott, who shared the anecdote) when they asked about the writing life: “If you can do anything else, kids, do it.” Hoade feels that he has truly tested that advice, and it is now stunningly obvious to allies and enemies alike that he cannot, in fact, do anything else.
At age 44-damn-near-45, Hoade no longer denies that writing is his destiny. It is the only thing he can do, and the only thing he wants to do.
Hmm. All right. What kind of family does this joker claim?
Al-Hoadedi, as he is known at the Circle K, has the lovely Ann as his wife of the past 15 years. He was previously married when barely out of high school, and from that starter marriage had three lovely daughters: Kylara, 23, who is the mother of WonderGrandchild Leon, 4; Ginger, 20, whose intellect is almost as fearsome as her gorgeousness; and Alice, 17, the world’s #1 fan of One Direction, which is apparently a 5-boy singing group with the ability to take over teenage girl’s brains. He also has a fantastic sister, Shari (age none of anyone’s bidness), who is married to a mysterious sports fan named Rob.
Pics of these people or they didn’t happen.
Fine! You don’t scare me. Here’s a pic of my Annie (with spooky Steampunk hat), of me and my unholy offspring at Ginger’s 2012 high school graduation, one of my sis and me, one of , and one of little ol’ me:
Anything else we should know?
先生 Hoade Sean, as he is known at his favorite opium dens, just wants people to know that he will be living 2014 as the first year of his life’s Second Act, F. Scott be damned. He hopes you’ll follow his blog, think about maybe buying his books, become his acolyte or friend on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter, where he’s @SeanHoade.
Okay, wait, one last thing: What’s with the zombie stuff?
edaoH naeS, as he is known by Merlin the Magician, finds the existential quandaries posed by the zombie concept endlessly fascinating. Also, zombies are scary. You could ask the same question about his Lovecraft fixation, and he would say (indeed, is saying) that the Old Gent from Providence investigated mind-blowing existential and metaphysical questions unlike anyone before him. Also, Lovecraft is scary.