I take a writing break, you get a song.

I always thought that “Mr. Lee,” the classic by the Bobbettes, was written about the man who had better be your favorite classic horror actor, Christopher Lee! However, my friend Bunny informs me that it was written about their high school teacher, who was not Christopher Lee, much to his everlasting chagrin. (Also, it is almost impossible not to dance a little at this awesome ditty.)


Also, even though it now has nothing to do with song, here is a picture that, if you doesn’t make you smile, then you are probably the world’s first surviving heart donor.:

Christopher-Lee-Peter-Cushing-Sammy-Davis-Jr.-Awesome-People-Hanging-Out-Together-TumblrYou’re welcome.

Well, if it ain’t music day ’round here … (Part 1)

Hey! I haven’t been on here in a while, since I’ve been BUSTING ME ARSE to bring you new and exciting stories from the Sarlacc pit that I call a mind.

Still, you deserve a little something before I start up again regularly. And that is this compilation of clips from the GREATEST TRILOGY OF ALL TIME, the “Blood and Ice Cream aka Cornetto Trilogy” to the most excellent song “Happy Hour Again”” by the Housemartins! Enjoy.

See you soon!
Hoade

Big News! Announcing The Sean Hoade Book of the Month Club! Part 3 of 3

Big News!
Part III: Get in here for books delivered to you EVERY month!

To skip all of the fascinating content below and just join my Book of the Month Club, visit my Patreon page. $20 a month gets you fresh books until at least the end of 2019!

I looked at my stats for the blogs the past couple of days and we’re looking at like 50 views and no “likes.” That’s all right, I understand you might want to wait for the grand finale, the coup de grâce, the pièce de résistance!

images

Zee … how you say … zee baguettes!

Well, Frenchie, wait no more! This is what this so-far viewed-but-apparently-unliked 3-part blog series has led up to:

The Sean Hoade Book of the Month Club!

As we talked about in Part II of this series, I have 13 books and Penny Dreadful short novels out in the world. (Part I is also available if you missed it, you lucky ducks.) In the next month or two, an additional two novels, Silver-Age SF novel The Act and the sequel to Space Explosions! Pew! Pew! Pew!, of course titled Space Explosions 2: Pew Pew Boogaloo. That’s 15 books, all of which are of such high quality that the frickin NEW YORK TIMES BOOK REVIEW won’t review it because a 10-star review would make all of their other authors feel bad. This would be especially galling to those hoity-toity fancypants elite respected authors because the Times Book Review doesn’t even use rating stars.

So let’s say that, despite the towering odds against it, you don’t have any of my current books. You’re probably like, “Hey, how do I get the other residents at this RV park to respect me more?” The answer to this dilemma? Sign up to receive one Sean Hoade book every month until at least 2019 and maybe even further into the future. (Details below.)

I-NEED-to-learn-THE-English-to-take-over-the-world-TEFL-technology-class-in-the-not-too-distant-future“What do you mean the new Hoade book isn’t here yet, strangely well-dressed human slave?”

“Hey,” you say, and you’re darned tootin’, “I supported his Kickstarter back in February for the Tesla Trilogy. One of the rewards I was getting was his backlist—you tryin’ to pull something funny here or what?”

No, indeed, let me assure you. In fact, when you join the SHBotMC (an acronym I will not be using anymore, because it looks like Shitbot MC, the most fly DJ in the “Androids Only” bathroom), you will get a survey in which you let me know what books of mine you already have or are slated to receive through your Patreon support or Kickstarter backing. Those who have been my beloved Patreon peeps have already been getting a book every month, so if you’re one of those folks, just let me know what books you have and we’ll start you with any you don’t have first.

But let’s say that you don’t have any (or just one or two) of my books that are currently available. I’ll say Cthulhu Attacks! and Zombie School Confidential as an example. You will encounter this survey:

Please indicate the order in which you would like my currently available books. (Synopses and samples are at SeanHoade.com/books.) Put an X next to any books you do not want or already own.

_1_ Ain’t That America

_3_ Darwin’s Dreams

_6_ Inappropriate Behavior

etc. Deadtown Abbey

___ Reviva Las Vegas!

___ Eleven Inches From Heaven: The Adventures of Cal Longwood, Porn Star Detective (#1 of serial novel)

_X_ Cthulhu Attacks!

_X_ Zombie School Confidential

___ Congo Bongo (BotM Club EXCLUSIVE! Not available anywhere else!)

___ Space Explosions! Pew! Pew! Pew! (BotM Club EXCLUSIVE!)

___ Nikola Tesla vs. The Daylight Vampires (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #1)

___ Absinthe in Arkham (HPD #2)

___ Lovecraft Cackles (HPD #3)

___ Space Explosions 2: Pew Pew Boogaloo (BotM Club EXCLUSIVE!)

___ The Act

___ NO PREFERENCE IN ORDER OF BOOKS

See? Easier than a sorority girl at Mardi Gras. (Or, to be fair, any man ever born.) You just put an “X” in books you don’t need or … *sniff* … don’t want. Then you put the order in which you’d like each book, like the examples above. If you don’t have a particular hankering for receiving certain books before others, just put a check in the line at the bottom, “NO PREFERENCE IN ORDER OF BOOKS.” I’ll pick good ones for ya!

Note: For books with sequels or are parts of a series, the first entries will always come before the second, the second before the third, and so on.

prod6400_dt Here is a picture of some numbers in order. You’re welcome.

“That’s all well and good,” you say because you were apparently born before World War I, “but how much does it cost to be a part of this exclusive Club of Books?”

I’m so glad you asked that, rhetorical interlocutor, especially since I made you up. But get this: it’s just $20 per month, sent via Patreon, which is extremely protective of its users (that’s you) and would whip me like I was sweet cream if I did not deliver every month. (Also, just ask my current Patreon supporters—they have gotten a book every month for something like 10 months already, but it wasn’t formalized and stuff like the new Book of the Month Club.)

This $20 per month brings you:

  • A brand-new, signed and inscribed by the author (me) to you (you), book every month!
  • An eBook download of that month’s book!
  • EXCLUSIVE books that NO ONE but Club members will get—these editions WILL NOT be for sale online or at Cons or anywhere else!
  • PLUS the just-released audiobook of Book 1 of Cthulhu Attacks!

cthulhu_by_disse86-d9tq84i“AUDIOBOOKS ARE EXTREMELY CONVENIENT!” — Cthulhu

So there you have it. From Part II you’ll recall that there are thirty books listed, and those aren’t even including new Penny Dreadfuls or newly commissioned books from my publisher. You will have a new book every month, guaranteed. AND you’ll be helping me as a writer and artist who gives great appreciation to all of his supporters.

If you’re interested in joining or just hearing more about the Sean Hoade Book of the Month Club, just drop me a line at sean@seanhoade.com with your contact info (really, just name and email address) and I can get you set up. Or, if you’re already savvy on all things Patreon, just come on board at my Patreon Book of the Month Club page!

You rock for reading this. I hope we can do this together!

Sean

Big News! PART II: In praise of Marvel’s movie plans (and how it relates to you and me)

BIG NEWS!

PART II: Marvel Studio’s genius ‘long game’ has inspired my own  

Hello, Constant Reader. You have stuck with me through thick and thin—or, you know, would have if you hadn’t listened to that old gypsy woman—and I shall reward you for your loyalty beyond your wildest imaginings! (N.B.: I’m assuming here that your wildest imaginings stop somewhere short of a bunch of cool books.)

As Benedict Cumberbatch said for no apparent reason in Star Trek: Into Copying Star Trek II Darkness, “Shall we begin?”

Marvel’s long game has been brilliant

Okay, so here’s what’s the what. You know how Marvel movies were planned so far in advance that Iron Man came out all the hell the way back in 2008. That was eight years ago, and we are years away from finishing even this cycle with these actors. This summer there’s Captain America: Civil War, which pits Cap against Iron Man and shit, and then also this year is Doctor Strange, which if you aren’t excited about this I don’t even know you anymore. What I’m saying is this started eight years ago and is going to continue forever because it was so well planned out.

marvel moviesThey’re planning so far ahead THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A PICTURE for Avengers Part 3: Part 2.

Contrast this with the Keystone Kops approach of DC movies, which seems to be:

  1. Make a kind of shitty and boring, even depressing, Superman movie called Man of Steel a couple of years ago.
  2. Take the Man of Steel sequel and don’t make it a sequel but instead stuff it full of barely differentiated DC “heroes” (Wonder Woman gets a pass because she’s Wonder Woman) in a rush to Justice, if you will (oh, the wit!). We get glimpses of Aquaman, the Flash, and for some goddamn reason fucking Cyborg instead of Martian Manhunter, who in many ways is the soul of the Justice League.
  3. Make a shitty, rushed Justice League movie to compete with Marvel’s Avengers movies, each character of which was painstakingly rendered over years of lead-up films. I’m thinking this movie will be as fun as visiting your mother’s grave in the rain.  (Oh, wait, that was actually a scene in Superman v. Batman.)
  4. You know what character should get his own spinoff movie? Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor, Jr. People gave him shit because he was the only actor who expressed any emotion in the whole goddamn movie, when in fact he gave a Heath Ledger-level, character-defining performance.

lexBut I digress.

Anyway, what I’m doing is taking a page from Marvel’s comic book (OMG GET IT?!?) and planning my books wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy the fuck in advance. While this is exactly the kind of claustrophobia-inducing commitment that DC seems incapable of making, it is just right for yours truly.

Books until late 2019, should I live that long

I have books planned out for as long as my Medicaid and food stamps last. Dozens of books. Most of them will be under my name, but several will be under the pen name “Hugo Navikov” and will be written for hire for my publisher, like I’m an Old West ink-slinger. (I know that’s not a thing. Work with me here.)

Now, most of you know all too well the books I already have out, some of which were self-pubs now seeking nests with actual publishers, and some of which are published with the awesome genre house Severed Press. There will probably be other exclusive (I’ll explain tomorrow) pulp novels, but let’s quickly review the present slate:

1.
Available now

2.
Available now

3.
Available now

The comic suspense thriller Ain’t That America (2000)

The literary-historical fantasy Darwin’s Dreams (2008) The ill-advised story collection Inappropriate Behavior (2011)

4.
Available
now

5.
Available
now

6.
Special Edition
Limited Availability

The hysterical horror of Deadtown Abbey (2013) The dark world after the zombie apocalypse in Reviva Las Vegas! (2014) The arousing first chapter of the serial novel Cal Longwood, Porn Star Detective (2015)

7.
Available
now

8.
Available
now

9.
Special Edition
Limited Availability

2727f98cc387cf7f3187203a7e9d3c0d

The for-real college course in the undead, the nonfiction Zombie School Confidential (2015) Book 1 of the epic Cthulhu Attacks! trilogy, The Fear (2015)

The cryptid pulp adventure Congo Bongo (written as “A. Nonymous”) (2015)

10.
Available now

11.
Available now

e13d692d5f140a6d5c592934b438708b

12.
Available now

Nikola Tesla vs. The Daylight Vampires (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #1) (2016) The rip-roaring SF yarn Space Explosions! Pew! Pew! Pew! (written as “A. Nonymous”) (2016) Absinthe in Arkham: Two Tales of Lovecraftian Decadence (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #2) (2016)

13.
Available now!

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14.
Coming
in May

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15.
Coming
this Summer

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The side-(and mind-) splitting Lovecraft Cackles: 2 Tales of Miskatonic Mayhem (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #3) (2016) The Silver Age science fiction novel The Act The rip-roaring SF yarn Space Explosions! Pew! Pew! Pew! (written as “A. Nonymous”)

16.
Coming
this Summer

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17.
Coming
this Summer

e1ab3759e2611d2f98b5a4f9431565b9

18.
Coming
this Fall

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The eagerly awaited next chapter of the Cthulhu Attacks! saga, Book 3: The Faith Nikola Tesla Meets The Slender Man (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #4) The Steampunk pulp adventure Prehistoric Beasts and Where to Fight Them 

19.
Coming
this Winter

5aa53302a1c6d1c0fded3189d9ededf6

20.
Coming
Holidays 2016

dc7c8a9b68cc8c1bb192c9413f0feba5

21.
Coming
early 2017

b2a7e1fe6a013c88ae7617a1a9550289

The incredible finale of Cthulhu Attacks!
Book 3: The Fight 

Christmas in Hell: Two Stories of ‘O, Holy Shit!’ (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #5)

(This will be sent for the holiday season no matter when you start!)

Tesla and Darwin Fight Edison’s Ravenous Megalodons through the Judicious Use of Time Travel and Giant Robots
(The Tesla Trilogy, Book 1)

22.
Coming in
early 2017

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23.
Coming in
mid-2017

eccd4003c93a4b1f47e8ab3ed6c38706

24.
Coming in
mid-2017

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Absinthe in Arkham 2: More Tales of Lovecraftian Decadence (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #6) Tesla and Edison Reluctantly Unite to Fight Against the Order of the Mystic Eye Using Only the Finest Scientific Principles (The Tesla Trilogy, Book 2) Tales from the Opium Den (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #7)

25.
Coming in
late 2017

b6541c1c66c335abd7bcecc4d5c1be7a

26.
Coming
in 2018

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27.
Coming
in 2018

ac0b9e59a12a545e33dfde92ff8abbea

Tesla and Nellie Bly Fight MIRROR TESLA and His Arc-Light of Death by Bending the Very Laws of Nature (The Tesla Trilogy, Book 3) Nikola Tesla Sinks The Flying Dutchman (Hoade’s Penny Dreadfuls #8) Congo Bongo 2: Mondo Bongo (written as “A. Nonymous”)

25.
Coming
in 2018

6564211f64f17e2eef9922f36f3932a7

27.
Coming
in
 2019

7118ad2137ca74f1568b7d43a1d241fd

27.
Coming in
early 2019

b2ab0468a0087729040bb8216b367880

The Phildickian science fiction adventure Patron Saint The ’70s Vegas crime thriller The Mook The first book of The Multiverse Trilogy: Analog

28.
Coming
mid-2019

9b8ba5bded0a06dd221e5c539c55017e

29.
Coming
in 2019

98eba47f7b9ce5a492086fca97ce531c

30.
Coming
late 2019

b0ee804772a92edca218a783310859ea

The second book of The Multiverse Trilogy: Digital  The supernatural horror of Bop: A Novel of Terror and Revenge The final book of The Multiverse Trilogy: Quantum 

All of these books can (and let’s admit it, probably will) be yours! To find out how—and get a FREE audiobook of Cthulhu Attacks!—tune in tomorrow for all the info about THE SEAN HOADE BOOK OF THE MONTH CLUB!

A note to current Patreon supporters and backers of my Tesla Trilogy Kickstarter

You may be thinking, “Hey, I’m already supposed to get some of these books and stuff! I ain’t payin’ twice for the same stuff!” Indeed not, my somewhat rowdy-sounding friend. Those books which you already have or will be receiving through Patreon or Kickstarter will be getting only books you don’t already have. [Italics mine, for dramatic effect. DID IT WORK? (Caps mine, for extra dramatic effect. I won’t do bold now. You get the gag.)]

So (1) don’t feel like you’re getting shlonged, as the Fat Melting Carrot of Hate would say; and (b) come back to the blog on Thursday for the amazement and inspiration that will be my Book of the Month Club! (I think bold was justified here.)

Onward to tomorrow!