“Santa Baby”: The Ultimate Sugar Holiday Song

Christmas may have turned into crass commercialism (back in about 1880) from its former position as the lesser Christian milestone holiday to Big Easter, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. In fact, Sugar Babies and their Daddies can make the most of their Arrangements at Christmas. The present-giving holiday could be a time for going bigger with generosity, whether material or affectionate.

The season is also time to celebrate the whole Sugar lifestyle. And nowhere is this done better than in the popular Christmas song “Santa Baby” (Click above to listen.) first recorded in the 1950s by Eartha Kitt and which has been covered literally dozens of times since, by artists ranging from the Pussycat Dolls to Miss Piggy to Ariana Grande.

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Listed in order of artistic integrity.

Read the rest at SeekingArrangement.com!

Did you know that Autographed novels make excellent Christmas gifts?

Get-Cape-Wear-Cape-Fly

The cape in this metaphor is my books. “Fly” stands for “achieve full self-actualization.”
Also, you will have more sex.

BLACK FRIDAY OR WHATEVER SALE!!!

Any of my fantastic books below are just 1 for $15 and 2 for $25,
inscribed to the person of your choice!

Also, if you buy 2 you get all 5 in eBook format!

SO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

Won’t you help keep me, Sean the Nice Guy, from having a blue Christmas? All proceeds go to the “Bring Sean’s Middle Daughter To Vegas Because He Hasn’t Seen Her In Two Years” fund, a worthy cause! Also, the books are fucking AWESOME.

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Zombies in Vegas!

Lovecraft at Downton! Wickedness
in Winnebagos!

Eight years after the Zombie Apocalypse, a vagabond former poker champion gets a chance to compete in a tournament to stay in Vegas, the last zom-free city in America. If he wins, he’s safe. But if he loses …

Read the first chapter here.

Funny and scary, this book doesn’t require that you know anything about the BBC show Downton Abbey. Just think vampires, werewolves, and eldritch Old Ones invading an Edwardian English manor house.

Read the first chapter here.

In the tradition of Elmore Leonard and Carl Hiaasen, this is the story of an embezzling RV salesman running off with his girlfriend after rubbing out his wife. A thriller for the cynical, the bitter, and the doomed.

Read the first chapter here.

Buy Signed
Reviva Las Vegas!
(3 remaining)

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Deadtown Abbey

(3 remaining)

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Ain’t That America

(3 remaining)

DDcover IBcover books for xmas
Literary-Historical Fantasy! Stupefying Stories! Easy to buy!
Easy to read! 

Charles Darwin and Captain Robert Fitzroy of the Beagle were lifelong friends and rivals, ultimately evolving into enemies.

Read the first chapter here.

My notorious 2011 book of short stories. Hooker vs. retard, Man in love with giant cyst, Jesus visits, and lots more!

Read the first story,
“Tough Love,” here.

These books, oh, the joy they shall bring you. Just let me know how would like it inscribed and it will be rushed—rushed, I tell you—to your or your beloved’s door.

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Darwin’s Dreams

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Inappropriate Behavior

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These are the last of these editions—publishers have snapped them up and will end this here stock!

From FancyLists: 10 Offensive Expressions From Different Countries

rock hornsWHOOOOOO! Relient K is the best! What’s wrong? Hey, ow!

I was working on a blog about inadvertently offensive gestures and sayings Americans might want to avoid overseas (which, goddamnit, has already been written). I found this awesome and hilarious information about completely intentional foreign expressions. Enjoy, ya tossers!

Every language is a beauty in its own right. It aids us in expressing our feelings to others through words. Learning different languages makes you a part of that community, being able to talk to them, to understand and interact with them. You will be like a line in their poems.

However, here are ten of the most offensive expressions from different languages in the world. You could choose to use them. Or not.

Read the rest at FancyLists.com!

Awkward? Perhaps irreverent/angering? Let’s do it: Hot dates for Veterans Day!

You might not think of Veterans Day as a romantic holiday, since it’s a day when we honor those who have sacrificed to protect—let’s be honest—the greatest country in the world. (Actually, since it was originally Armistice Day to celebrate the end of World War I, it also honors the British, French, and other nations involved in that conflict.) So it may not seem like a good theme for a date … but enjoy your hard-earned freedom by having a bit of fun with these suggestions for a great date during Veterans Day week …

Read the rest at WhatsYourPrice!

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Vegetarians, why do you hate America?

Joe Warnimont on “Why You Shouldn’t Take Pride In Your Work”

November 6, 2014 by

I’ve always maintained the idea that it’s best to not take pride in your work.

This is a quote I stated in a recent interview I completed for the Lift App Author Series. I want to outline the meaning of this quote and explain exactly why I think that the idea of taking pride in your work is so often over-embellished and troubling for those who need to simply sit back, relax and do the work, instead of getting cocky or worrying about something that you probably won’t care about at all in the future.

Why is taking pride in your work not the best of ideas?

You Won’t Get Anything Done

I’ve always maintained the idea that taking too much pride in your work leads to perfectionism and a mindset that everything must end up flawless. …

Read the rest at Write With Warnimont!

♫ Back near the saddle again ♫

I have regaled both of my regular readers with the sad tale of the Press that will henceforth be known as the Publisher That Sucks Dick, or PTSD for short. My fellow authors of that soon-to-be-former e-book factory will agree that this is a fitting acronym. Anyway, I have promised myself and others never to refer to that place by name again, so PTSD it is.

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“What was that? A c-c-contract? OH GOD, IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!”

Moving on … or trying to

Frank Sinatra once crooned that after being shat upon by the bird of paradise, one should pick oneself up, dust oneself off, and start all over again. Never one to flout the instructions of Ol’ Blue Eyes, that’s just what I’m doing after the PTSD debacle. How? Oh, let us count the ways.

Firstly, I have worked to find new publishing homes for the books I’ve already written.

Deadtown Abbey

You may recall that the fantastical Deadtown Abbey was the book that landed me the contract—emphasis on the “con”—with PTSD and inspired them to “buy” that and my next 9 books. So I said to myself, “Self,” I said, “what should we do with Deadtown Abbey now?” And I sat on a stump in the yard (disclaimer: I did not literally do that) and went down the list of what makes that book awesome and more specialer than a kid running with his pants on backwards winning a gold medal:

1. It is Lovecraftian. It’s got your Yog-Sothoth and your Cthulhu the Great Old One, not to mention a thoughtful (seriously!) meditation on what religious faith means in a time of monsters and a serious imbalance of money and power.

Republican leaders Senator Mitch McConnell and John Boehner speak after a bipartisan meeting with President Barack Obama at the White House in Washington

Not that anything like that could ever happen in real life.

2. It is funny. It plays with expectations both readers of eldritch horrors and viewers of the BBC show Downton Abbey, with references and Easter eggs galore for horror and zombie aficionados. That said, you don’t have to “get” any of the references to enjoy the book on its own as a horror tale. But it’s still pretty amusing.

3. It has vampires, werewolves, zombies, witches, imps, and possessed people shitting themselves. It takes each concept and turns it on its head in the service of this apocalyptic story.

4. But most of all, it’s Lovecraftian.

It was this final point that told me I must send it to the new Lovecraft eZine Press imprint helmed by the indomitable Mike Davis. He had already read it and recommended it on his 175,000-follower-strong Web page, so I thought it would be perfect for his new Press. I bought the first release in print from his publishing arm, The Sea of Ash, and was impressed both by the content and by the perfection of its design and presentation.

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A box stuffed full of my former publisher’s beautiful print offerings.

I haven’t heard back from Mike yet—he’s a bit busy with his duties both on and off the computer-based Lovecraftosphere—but if Deadtown isn’t brought on board there, I will send it out to other dark presses, of which there are many in the land. Still, Lovecraft eZine Press would be my number one choice.

Reviva Las Vegas! and the Cthulhu trilogy

This marvelous addition to the pantheon of landmark zombie fiction was sent out after PTSD’s implosion to Severed Press, an excellent horror publisher that gives its readers what they really want and has been quite successful, receiving rave reviews from both those readers and its authors alike.

But sad face! Reviva was praised by the editors, but they had to pass on it because it was a more character-based zombie tale than the good ol’ visceral chomp-a-thon that many zombie fans want in their genre fiction. Think of what they wanted as the parts of Jaws with the shark eating people and boats, and what I wrote as more the scene where Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, and Robert Shaw are sitting drinking in the boat and talking about their scars while waiting for Bruce to attack again.

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“And this one’s from when Spielberg cut me for leaving Seaquest!

However, happy face! Because Severed did like my (one-third finished) Cthulhu: Book 1 and contracted with me for the whole Cthulhu trilogy plus a sea monster book—Severed Press readers love their sea monsters and kaiju—to be written later. Severed stepped up to the plate and, um, swung for the bleachers? Wait, am I the pitcher? Oh, metaphors, you tricky devils!

Ain’t That America

Friends and neighbors, the first edition of Ain’t That America was self-pubbed by Yours Truly back in 2000, with a revised “second edition” being self-pubbed in 2013. It’s a comic thriller along the lines of Elmore Leonard and Carl Hiaasen—suspenseful, yes, but also very fun to read for the despicable characters and how they interact (read: fuck each other over). The whole PTSD experience sent me seeking out other (legitimate) publishers, and so I have sent out Ain’t as well, to the extremely exciting crime fiction publisher 280 Steps.

It’s a great book—why not send it out and make an honest author out of myself? Self-publishing is great, don’t get me wrong, but I’m aging like a time-lapse of a rotting tomato. I want to go legit before I drop dead. I haven’t heard back from the folks at 280 Steps yet, but I know some genre publisher will ultimately take it on and love it like a child who’s going to make them pots of money.

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“I’d kill you all if I could! Tee hee!”

Darwin’s Dreams

By far the most literary and worthy book I’ve ever written, Darwin’s Dreams is the only non-“genre” book in my lineup, and thus the hardest to figure out where to place it. I self-pubbed it in 2008, and it has made a sizeable impression on everyone who has read it. It’s history, philosophy, drama, all in one 45,000-word package. The only place I can think to send it, the only alma mater for this book, is Prometheus Books. If, however, they pass on it, my head will be unbowed. I’ll keep searching.

Inappropriate Behavior

A collection of short stories ranging from erotica to Buddhist meditation to hookers rubbing the eye sockets of retards in motel rooms, Inappropriate Behavior was self-pubbed in 2011 and will probably never, ever be sent to a legitimate publisher. It’s on Amazon, so peeps can buy it. But it’s so horrifyingly outré I doubt it’s legal to even submit by email in some localities.

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“WHY DID I OPEN THAT ATTACHMENT? WHY? WHY?!?

The other books

Some of the books that PTSD contracted for were “sequels” to Reviva Las Vegas! and even Deadtown Abbey. They really weren’t meant to be anything other than standalone novels, but I may just write a prequel to Reviva called Pawn of the Dead, the story of how the zombie apocalypse started … right here in Vegas, of course. And I had sold PTSD on another sorta-kinda pop culture and Lovecraft mashup called Grim Acres, the story of a staid lawyer and his eastern European bride moving to the sticks and encountering the community of Innsmouth, Massachusetts.

The other two books, How to Train Your Dagon and an unnamed (and unnecessary) second sequel to Reviva, are just going to fade into the aether. Like much of what happened with PTSD, they really never had any reason to happen.

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Pictured: A reason for them to happen.

So what, if anything, have we learned?

Remarkably little. No, I kid—we have learned that there’s got to be a morning after, if we can make it through the night. (If you get that reference, make sure the orderly at your nursing home mashes your canned beets the way you like them.) As disheartening as the whole PTSD experience was, I’m a wiser author. I’m the same writer I always was—FUCKING BRILLIANT—but as an author trying to get his babies out into the world where they can be sold for money, I’m much wiser.

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Look at those faces! They couldn’t be happier if they were in color!

 Coming soon: A death obsession is different from a death wish.

New Blood

Sean Hoade:

Laird always hits it on the nose.

Originally posted on Laird Barron:

In his introduction to A Book of Horrors, editor Stephen Jones asks, “What the hell happened to the horror genre?”

Considering that we live in a small press horror renaissance, this gambit seems a sort of peevish rhetoric more concerned with preserving a narrow slice of tradition, and Jones’ related curatorial credentials, than raising a legitimate question.

I recently sat on the Shirley Jackson Awards jury and edited, alongside Mike Kelly, the inaugural volume of Year’s Best Weird Fiction. I’ve read a staggering amount of contemporary dark fiction these past several years. Stephen Jones, Paula Guran, and Ellen Datlow continue to put forth year’s bests without substantial overlap. In the case of Year’s Best Weird Fiction, there’s a strong case that a second volume could have arisen from the 2013 crop. A crop that contained a lot of horror.

Horror is ascendant, if not on the New York…

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